Popular Shows by Kayla Levin קיילה לווין
233 episodes
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Name
Release Date
Duration
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Ep. 227 - Daven For Your Husband
Ep. 227 - Daven For Your Husband
Jan 29, 2026
11:58
What happens when you daven for your husband — not just for shalom bayis, but for him as a person? In this episode, we explore the difference between praying for your marriage and praying for your husband himself — and why that distinction matters more than we realize. You’ll hear: How this shift builds perspective, respect, and curiosity Why thinking we’ve “figured him out” can quietly erode connection Simple, realistic ways to incorporate this practice into real life This is about intentionality, not perfection — and about strengthening your marriage by seeing your husband more clearly. Want to join us in our Shalom for Shalom challenge? You can get the weekly challenge by email at kaylalevin.com or join us on WhatsApp.
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Ep. 226 - When You're So Tired You Just Can't
Ep. 226 - When You're So Tired You Just Can't
Jan 15, 2026
23:06
In this episode, I’m sharing something that came straight out of a coaching call — because I realized this is not a one-woman problem. At some phase of life, every single one of us ends up here: so tired we can’t think straight, can’t be ourselves, and are seriously at risk of making the worst possible decisions at the worst possible times. We’re talking about what it really means to be below baseline — that foggy, heavy, emotionally fragile place where your brain suddenly thinks it’s a great idea to reorganize the linen closet or re-evaluate your entire marriage at 2 AM. We explore: ✨ The three levels of self-care — exceptional, routine, and baseline✨ How to recognize when you’re officially below baseline✨ Why you cannot trust your brain when you’re exhausted (treat it like your drunk best friend)✨ The two non-negotiable rules for getting yourself back to normal✨ How one or two early nights can completely change how you feel about your life If you’ve been scrolling late, snacking nonstop, snapping at people you love, or feeling like you’re just dragging your body through the day — this episode is for you. 🔗 Mentioned in this episode: 👉 Work with me privately: https://www.kaylalevin.com/private-coaching👉 Get my free No-Prep At-Home Date Night Game: https://members.kaylalevin.com/at-home-date-night-game 💌 Know someone who’s completely exhausted? Send them this episode — because sometimes the most loving thing you can do is remind a woman that she doesn’t need to fix her life… she just needs to go to bed.
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Your Relationship Bank Account
Your Relationship Bank Account
Jan 1, 2026
20:58
After seven months away, I’ve unpacked my microphone and I’m kicking things off with one of the most powerful ideas for marriage: your relationship bank account. In this episode, I explain why when things are going RIGHT is the best time to focus on your marriage — and how tiny, positive moments now can protect your relationship when life gets stressful. You’ll learn why shared experiences matter more than deep talks, how men and women connect differently, and how to become a steady, calming presence in your home. Resources mentioned in this episode: 🎁 13 No-Prep At-Home Date Ideas kaylalevin.com/datenight 🎥 Free Webinar: The Marriage Reset Workshop kaylalevin.com/webinar
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Ep 186 - Hormones & Health with Lauren Allen
Ep 186 - Hormones & Health with Lauren Allen
Apr 20, 2023
36:06
If you're guilty of skipping meals in lieu of a coffee or regularly staying up too late but can't really get motivated to break those habits (or you can't even imagine why you'd want to), this interview is for you. I had Lauren Allen, health coach with a focus on hormonal health, come on and give us some practical, real-life tips (and share her amazing story) so we can go from post-Pesach-blah (is it just me?) to feeling more energetic and focused. Connect with Lauren: laurenallennutrition.com Instagram: @LaurenAllenNutrition To hear Lauren's guest talk in May and participate in our group challenges, join us inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of married Jewish women. Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
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Ep. 218 - Your Pesach Challenges
Ep. 218 - Your Pesach Challenges
Apr 3, 2025
22:18
In this episode, we’re diving into the challenges you sent in that come up around Pesach—navigating in-law dynamics and family expectationscoming to an agreement over budgeting for yom tov clothes finding time to actually connect with your husband amidst all the chaosmanaging less-than-comfortable yuntif arrangements I’ll walk you through how to prioritize your relationship even when things feel hectic, why quality matters more than quantity, and how to start thinking long-term when it comes to family harmony. You’ll also hear some practical tips and a gentle reminder that your version of a successful Pesach might look different—and that’s okay. Mentioned in this episode: 📞 Looking for more support? Sign up for a free consult with Kayla: https://kaylalevin.com🎓 First Year Married course: https://kaylalevin.com/newlywed🎙️ Episode on improving your relationship with your mother-in-law:https://www.kaylalevin.com/post/ep-147-a-better-relationship-with-your-mother-in-law-with-rachel-glasser
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Ep. 219 - We're All a Package Deal
Ep. 219 - We're All a Package Deal
Apr 24, 2025
22:17
When you got married, you didn’t just marry him—you married his personality, his family, his past experiences… the whole package. In this episode, we’re unpacking what it really means to accept our spouses (and in-laws!) as a package deal, and how to shift from frustration to curiosity when things feel hard.You'll learn:Why every middah (character trait) comes with its own pros and consHow to handle personality clashes—like chessed vs. gevurah typesThe importance of addressing challenges early to avoid long-term resentmentA gentle reminder: you’re a package deal too Whether you’re dealing with in-law dynamics or learning to navigate your husband’s quirks, this episode will help you approach it all with more compassion and clarity. 💬 Want to go deeper? 📅 Book a free consult call to explore if private coaching is the right next step for you. 💛 kaylalevin.com/coaching 💍 Just married? Want to feel confident and connected in shana rishona? Start the First Year Married course now: 👉 kaylalevin.com/newlywed
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Ep. 221 - Dating, Surrender, and Our Journeys with Jackie Glaser (Part 1)
Ep. 221 - Dating, Surrender, and Our Journeys with Jackie Glaser (Part 1)
Jun 12, 2025
24:04
In this episode, I’m joined by the amazing Jackie Glaser—psychologist, educator, and transformational coach—for a powerful conversation about dating, marriage, and emotional healing. Jackie shares her own journey from psychologist and Today Show guest in Australia to deep Torah learning in Jerusalem, and how she now helps women tune into their inner world to unlock clarity in dating and life. We explore: ✨ When a relationship goes too deep before marriage ✨ How sure someone really needs to be before they say “yes” ✨ The difference between dating to assess and dating in a relationship ✨ How these experiences might play out beyond the chuppah Jackie answers from the dating perspective, and I chime in from the newlywed side—it’s real, honest, and packed with gems for wherever you are in your relationship journey. 🔗 Mentioned in this episode: 👉 Learn more about Jackie: jackieglaser.com 👉 Follow Jackie on Instagram: @datingbyjackieg 👉 Jackie and her husband Aharon share their dating journey on Stories of Hope Youtubeyoutube.com/watch?v=7TJpGLGPRYE&pp=0gcJCdgAo7VqN5tDYoutubeyoutube.com/watch?v=7TJpGLGPRYE&pp=0gcJCdgAo7VqN5tD 👉 Explore my resources for newlyweds and beyond: kaylalevin.com 💌 Subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss Part 2, where we dive into dating mindset, emotional triggers, surrender, and what to do when your spouse changes.
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Ep. 223 - Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman
Ep. 223 - Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman
Jul 23, 2025
1:09:49
I had the opportunity to sit down with Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman to talk about something that so many of us are navigating: the intersection of marriage and personal ambition. What happens when you're a go-getter, you're building something big—and you also want to be the best wife and mom you can be? Do those things clash... or can they actually strengthen one another? In this honest and insightful conversation, Bat-Chen shares:Her personal story of going from resentful and overwhelmed to calm and alignedWhat happened when she finally told her husband what she really needed The expectations you might not even know you have about how marriage "has to" be--and what to do about themHer beautiful framework, the CALM Method, for creating flow in your marriage and life: C: Connect to yourself A: Ask for abundance L: Listen for the answer M: Master a higher level of consciousness We also talk about how to hear your true wants vs. the ones that have been sold to you by social media, mentors, or family expectations. 💫 Resources Mentioned:💻 Bat-Chen’s free guide: connectedforreal.com/guide🌐 Work with Bat-Chen 1:1: connectedforreal.com📱Follow her on Instagram: @connectedforreal🎧 The episode with her father that we discussed: Communication & G-d
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Ep. 224 - Taking a Sabbatical
Ep. 224 - Taking a Sabbatical
Aug 4, 2025
28:58
Taking My Sabbatical — Why Now, What’s Next, and What I’ve Learned After 3.5 beautiful, growth-filled years of How to Glow, I’m taking a full sabbatical. In this episode, I share the heart behind the decision, how it’s unfolding, and the personal and business lessons that led me here. Even if you’re not planning a sabbatical yourself, I think you'll find there’s something in here for you — about presence, priorities, and permission to pivot. 💛Whether you’re curious how I ran things behind the scenes, wondering if a big change is right for you, or just want to say goodbye (for now), I’d love for you to listen. 🖥 First Year Married course is still available at kaylalevin.com/newlywed 💬 Book a one-off session after August at kaylalevin.com/coaching 📬 Join the email list to stay in touch KaylalevinOpt-In (Workbook)
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Ep. 3 - Your Mother-In-Law
Ep. 3 - Your Mother-In-Law
Dec 30, 2018
31:35
If you've struggled with your relationship with your mother-in-law (or ANY family member... or really any other human), this episode is for you. I'll be talking about what makes these in-law relationships uniquely challenging, what we do to make it so much worse, and some of my own experiences using self-coaching to improve my relationships with family members.
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Ep. 9 - Newlyweds... All Over Again!
Ep. 9 - Newlyweds... All Over Again!
Feb 10, 2019
21:11
This episode is for my listeners and clients who have been married longer than a year but are still wanting inspiration and improved connection with their spouses. Here are my tips on how to bring the "newlywed vibe" back to your marriage, why the 4-7 year phase can be tricky, and some tips on setting up your marriage for the long haul. (By the way, newlyweds, you should listen too and gain some tips for what's to come!)
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Ep. 97 - When Your Husband Skips Minyan
Ep. 97 - When Your Husband Skips Minyan
Nov 19, 2020
28:39
(Heads up: I'm calling this one a #Jewsode because it is PARTICULARLY specific to the religious Jewish world. All are welcome to listen and apply as you like, of course, but since the content is inherently about Jewish life, this episode may be less generally applicable than usual.) I've had several requests, especially during COVID, to talk about husbands who are skipping minyan (prayers), not going to shul or praying at all, or otherwise not doing what you expected in the spiritual realm. In this episode, I'm taking you through a simple exercise to help you identify why you're feeling triggered by his behavior and get some space so you aren't so reactive. So grab some paper :) At the end of the episode, I also discuss the concept of a woman's olam haba being tied up in her husband's learning and how to not let that idea make you go totally bonkers when he slacks off, and also how to pursue your values in a way that's truly effective and doesn't generate all this stress and anxiety. ** My husband pointed out that I didn't translate all the words! So here's your glossary (and some helpful articles) if you need it. minyan - prayer quorum daven - pray olam haba - the world to come Shacharis (or Shacharit) - morning prayer
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First Year Married - Trailer
First Year Married - Trailer
Dec 18, 2018
3:41
The First Year Married Podcast lands THIS SUNDAY December 23rd. We are so excited to share it with you! Please subscribe and stay tuned for the launch.
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Ep. 1 - Your First Year Married
Ep. 1 - Your First Year Married
Dec 23, 2018
18:30
Newlyweds... this is what it's all about. Using the early days of marriage to build a strong foundation so you can ENJOY your marriage for the long-run! In this episode, I'll be letting you in on why I focus so much on the first year of marriage, what you can do to maximize the potential of this time, the challenges many people face early on in their marriages, and how you can use this material even if you have been married a while! What better way to start this podcast than to talk about that first year of marriage? That exhilarating, overwhelming, impossible, unbelievable first year of marriage. It’s the most amazing time to focus. Focus on building, focus on connecting, focus on prioritizing. I hope you enjoy. xo, Kayla
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Ep. 2 - Why You Don't Have Enough Time
Ep. 2 - Why You Don't Have Enough Time
Dec 23, 2018
26:30
In today's episode, we're gonna talk about your time and why you don't have enough of it. It's not why you think. I'll share my tool for matching your priorities to your calendar and help you deal with those feelings of busyness and overwhelm that can suck the energy out of all of us.
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Ep. 4 - Your Husband Doesn't Need To Tell You How He Feels
Ep. 4 - Your Husband Doesn't Need To Tell You How He Feels
Jan 6, 2019
17:57
Communication is a hot topic when it comes to marriage and relationships. And while improving our communication is always a value, this class will help you challenge what you consider to be "good communication" and discover what major form of communication you may be missing out on entirely. Resources mentions: Why Gender Matters: https://amzn.to/2Rxfb6D Mating in Captivity: https://amzn.to/2LNBgIZ Why Gender Matters, Leonard Sax, 2005, p. 29 "In boys, as in men, the part of the brain where emotions happen is not well connected to the part of the brain where verbal processing and speech happens--unlike the situation in teenage girls and women. " The above are affiliate links
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Ep. 5 - Your Invisible Cape
Ep. 5 - Your Invisible Cape
Jan 13, 2019
19:25
You're ready to grow, you're ready to move on to the next level.... but everyone around you is struggling. What's a newlywed to do? How do we improve our lives without leaving those we love in the dust? Budgeting for newlyweds can be tricky. You might struggle with getting your apartment organized, or your new home. Maybe for you what's hard is losing weight or drinking less... but sometimes we're ready to move on from these challenges and up-level our lives, but something surprising is holding us back. Check out this week's episode for a whole new way to look at overcoming your challenges. Finding your invisible cape means electing yourself the official representative who is going to break the trend... for the sake of yourself, and for others who need someone to look to. Those around you might be struggling with peer pressure or negative thinking, but you can be the example of what it's like to live life without that particular struggle. Sometimes we don our invisible capes to allow ourselves to buy a more modest home or post less about our fantastic marriages, so that we aren't putting pressure on those around us who might be struggling. This is not only super fun to do, but it can allow us to get the motivation to make the decision we really felt was best for us in the first place.
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Ep. 6 - Zero Based Scheduling Update
Ep. 6 - Zero Based Scheduling Update
Jan 20, 2019
18:12
I got so much feedback and questions and awesome stories about the episode, "Why You Don't Have Enough Time" that I wanted to run another episode--Part 2 on Zero Based Scheduling! Time Management can be one of our major stressors, and this tool has helped my husband and I feel so much more at peace with how we spend our time. This episode addresses some of the more common questions I received and gives you an update on where we are with the tool ourselves. It's been great hearing stories from listeners about how this is giving you clarity and empowerment as you make decisions about what to do and what to cut. And while this isn't only about marriage, one of the main things newlyweds are navigating is learning to share all parts of life--finances, space, and time--with another person, and you want to do it successfully! Please keep sending in your feedback, questions, and stories--I love to hear from you!
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Ep. 7 - Baseline Self Care
Ep. 7 - Baseline Self Care
Jan 27, 2019
21:37
Sometimes all the coaching in the world isn't going to cut it. And that's because you're just too tired. When I was first married, I loved staying up late... but my marriage was paying the price. It took me longer than I care to admit to realize that the zombie my husband was married to wasn't the one he signed up for! In this episode, I'll walk you through my system called "baseline self care" that will allow you to identify what keeps you up and running. This isn't the deep meaningful spiritual retreat or even wine and bubble baths. This is just about having clarity about what's on your list that needs to be done, at a minimum. I'll also teach you my ten second check-in and help you identify when it's time for self-coaching and when it's time for self care.
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Ep. 8 - Shame Won't Make You A Better Wife
Ep. 8 - Shame Won't Make You A Better Wife
Feb 3, 2019
15:16
Do you have an image of your mind of how you wish you were showing up in your marriage? Do you come down hard on yourself when you don't? If so, you MUST listen to this week's podcast. You CAN be a better wife (or husband), but beating yourself up or criticizing yourself is not the way to do it. More than that... you'll actually harm the authenticity of your relationship. Your partner chose YOU, flaws and all. This podcast will teach you how to align your thinking with the result you want in your marriage.
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Ep. 10 - Going on a Trip
Ep. 10 - Going on a Trip
Feb 17, 2019
14:22
Traveling together… there is so much to say and I hope we’re able to come back to this topic more over the course of this podcast. Is this a vacation or a family trip? If it’s a family trip, who is being prioritized? If it’s your spouse, what does your husband need to be supported and what will you need to be able to give that support? What might come up? What is the goal of the trip? Asking your brain the right questions can take any trip and evolve it to deliver far more value to your life and your marriage. If you have an upcoming vacation with your spouse, listen to this one now and maybe even once more before you leave. Enjoy!
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Ep. 11 - When is the Right Time to Start a Family?
Ep. 11 - When is the Right Time to Start a Family?
Feb 24, 2019
11:54
This question came in from a listener on Instagram. There are several factors to consider before starting a family, but I (of course) want to talk to you about your mind. Start HERE before you move onto the checklist of "must haves" and "to dos."
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Ep. 12 - Mind Management
Ep. 12 - Mind Management
Mar 3, 2019
17:10
This week we're diving deep into managing your mind. While it feels like we should be able to "set it and forget it," really our brains are always at work and if left unsupervised, they can get into a little bit of trouble. This week we'll be talking about how often to do thought work and why, and how this is going to benefit not just your marriage but your entire life. This is where self-improvement and self-development kick into super-speed and your marriage truly transforms.
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Ep. 13 - He's Not The Man I Thought He Was
Ep. 13 - He's Not The Man I Thought He Was
Mar 10, 2019
16:36
Let's talk about disappointment. Whether you went to premarital counseling and made a bunch of agreements that haven't come through or he seems different from the guy you dated, feeling like your husband isn't "what you signed up for" is so common. This week we talk about where this comes from and what to do about it.
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Ep. 14 - It Gets Better
Ep. 14 - It Gets Better
Mar 17, 2019
17:05
I'll say it... the first year of marriage can be HARD! Being a newlywed is such a tremendous adjustment, and it can create a lot of insecurity and anxiety for some people. This week I'm talking about the ways in which our marriages get better with time (and the right focus) and how to find a mentor who will guide you and inspire you in improving your marriage.
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Ep. 15 - Money & Debt
Ep. 15 - Money & Debt
Mar 25, 2019
19:31
How do you agree on finances when one of you wants to save hardcore and the other wants to spend more? This week I'm answering a listener question about how to manage differences of opinion between her and her husband when it comes to MONEY. Money and debt are such hot-button issues in our marriages, and I want to share with you a few things to keep in mind to keep these conversations useful, productive, and connecting.
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Ep. 16 - Self Image
Ep. 16 - Self Image
Mar 31, 2019
12:13
The way you think about yourself might have more of an impact on your marriage than you realize. Join me this week as we talk about self image and how it applies to how we show up in our marriages as well as some practical tools for what to do about it.
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Ep. 17 - And... We're Moving to Israel!
Ep. 17 - And... We're Moving to Israel!
Apr 7, 2019
22:05
This week I’m going to fill you in on our big move, how we use thought work to make major decisions, and how you can live a bigger life... without leaving your home. To learn more about the model and thought work, originated by Brooke Castillo, check out earlier episodes of the podcast!
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Ep. 18 - Submission vs. Self Knowledge
Ep. 18 - Submission vs. Self Knowledge
Apr 14, 2019
20:00
"If I learn to ACCEPT my husband's behavior, aren't I just letting him walk all over me?" This week we are talking about when we don't like our husband's behavior. If you work on your thoughts and you come to accept his behavior, are you expecting less of him? Are you just accepting an unfair, unbalanced relationship? Check out this week's podcast.
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Ep. 19 - Intuitive Eating with Rena Reiser
Ep. 19 - Intuitive Eating with Rena Reiser
Apr 22, 2019
33:54
Meet Rena Reiser, Intuitive Eating Coach at Mind Over Munchies. I had so much fun interviewing Rena and hearing about the tools she uses as an intuitive eating coach to help her clients. So many of us struggle with our relationship with food, and Rena is knowledgeable and relatable, so I know you will love hearing from her! https://www.renareiser.com
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Ep. 20 - Your Marriage Mentor
Ep. 20 - Your Marriage Mentor
Apr 28, 2019
24:14
In this episode I walk you through the 7 factors to look for in finding a mentor for your marriage. Having a coach, mentor, and really taking advantage of all of the resources you can get your hands on is so important for building a solid foundation to your marriage. As I discuss in this episode, you may have 4-5 careers in your life but you hope to only have one marriage... isn't it odd how much more we often invest in mentors for our careers? Listen and jot down these 7 things to look for and then go get yourself a mentor! Also, if you haven't already, check out Episode 14 where I first discussed having a marriage mentor. You can also sign up for my course starting in May here and get free access to the first class immediately.
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Ep. 21 - Zero Based Budgeting with Jenn Neilson of @willsavefortravel
Ep. 21 - Zero Based Budgeting with Jenn Neilson of @willsavefortravel
May 6, 2019
39:35
This month we are diving into the topic of your money. How do you create a budget as a newlywed? What do you do if you fight with your husband about money? How can you travel when you're tight on funds? Jenn Nielson of @willsavefortravel has some amazing resources and fantastic tips on how to manage your money when you're just starting out--even if you have student loans. Enjoy!
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Ep. 22 - There's Something Wrong with Him
Ep. 22 - There's Something Wrong with Him
May 12, 2019
24:57
We may not like to admit it, but we tend to have some opinions about our husbands. Whether he's too messy, bad with money, or not taking his job seriously enough (or too seriously!), it's very common to forget that these are only our opinions and not a true fact. In this episode I'm going to teach you how to coach yourself when you are getting frustrated with your husband.
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Ep. 23 - Interviewing The Husband
Ep. 23 - Interviewing The Husband
May 20, 2019
30:56
Guess what I did?? I interviewed my husband for the podcast! How fun is that? Noah and I talk about the ups and downs of our first year of marriage, learning to be adults, our mistakes with finances, and how we manage running a business together. He has some awesome advice... both for the husbands and the wives. Reach out on Instagram @firstyearmarried after you listen and tell me what you thought--and please don't forget to rate and review the podcast!
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Ep. 24 - There's Something Wrong With His Model
Ep. 24 - There's Something Wrong With His Model
May 26, 2019
15:33
How can we get our husbands to cheer up when they're so down? How do we get them to see that their thoughts and the way they see the problem is really the issue? How do we get them to show up the way we need them? I'm so excited to share an advanced episode with you this week! On episode 24, I'm answering a really common question... "what if the problem is HIS model?" I'll be giving you three tools to deal with this. You'll learn how to examine your own thoughts, separate from the rules in your mind that are actually making you crazy, and get yourself into his corner. It's totally counter-intuitive, but it's so transformational. Additional resources: Watch my free video on how to use the self-coaching model to improve your marriage. Episode 12: Mind Management (this will give you the foundation of this work) The Life Coach School podcast by Brooke Castillo, who originated the self-coaching model. Learn about how to get coached by Kayla!
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Ep. 25 - The Dreaded Housework (Part 1)
Ep. 25 - The Dreaded Housework (Part 1)
Jun 2, 2019
23:30
This is part 1 of a hot topic for many of you ladies, and I can completely understand why. This week I'll be sharing my paradigm shifts that have saved me from years of frustration and resentment when it came to partnering on housework with my husband. I'm sharing how we can use thought work (a la Brooke Castillo) on our house work (see what I did there?) and also some powerful insights from the research of Alison Armstrong. I highly recommend Alison's two books as a great starting point for her research. They are written as fiction so they are an easy and fun read, but packed full of information. Keys to the Kingdom - How men change over time and why it's so confusing. The Queen's Code - How we can bring out the best in men (and often bring out the worst) Episode 12 - Mind Management - For an introduction to thought work
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Ep. 26 - The Dreaded Housework (Part 2)
Ep. 26 - The Dreaded Housework (Part 2)
Jun 10, 2019
30:20
This is part 2 of a hot topic for many of you ladies, and I can completely understand why. This week I'll be sharing my paradigm shifts that have saved me from years of frustration and resentment when it came to partnering on housework with my husband. I'm sharing how we can use thought work (a la Brooke Castillo) on our house work (see what I did there?) and also some powerful insights from the research of Alison Armstrong. I highly recommend Alison's two books as a great starting point for her research. They are written as fiction so they are an easy and fun read, but packed full of information. Keys to the Kingdom - How men change over time and why it's so confusing. The Queen's Code - How we can bring out the best in men (and often bring out the worst) Episode 12 - Mind Management - For an introduction to thought work
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Ep. 27 - Your Vision
Ep. 27 - Your Vision
Jun 16, 2019
16:00
This week we are talking about how to dis-overwhelm yourself (yes, I made that up). I'll teach you the few simple steps to clarify your vision for the most difficult areas of your life and how to pursue achieve it, including the surprising reason we often lose track of our vision.
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Ep. 28 - What if You Were Beautiful?
Ep. 28 - What if You Were Beautiful?
Jun 24, 2019
19:41
I was really excited about this episode when I recorded it, but after living with this work for a few weeks I'm convinced EVERY woman needs to hear it. Years of struggling with accepting my appearance just... over. It's a little bit advanced, but I think it will at least plant a very important seed, even for those who aren't familiar with thought work. Please listen and forward to the women in your lives, whether they are newly married or not.
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Ep. 29 - You Are All Alone
Ep. 29 - You Are All Alone
Jun 30, 2019
15:21
Isn't this a nice, friendly-sounding podcast episode? Here you are, trying to feel connected and in love with your husband, and I go and get depressing on you. Don't worry. This week's episode will teach you a fantastic framework taken from Jewish wisdom that we can all use as a self-coaching exercise to clarify who YOU are in your relationship and your goals for yourself on the deepest level. When we learn to frame our marriages, and all of our relationships and life situations, in the context of personal development, it creates an entirely new context.
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Ep. 30 - Just Ask!
Ep. 30 - Just Ask!
Jul 8, 2019
17:49
What's the one thing you can do to transform the dynamic of your relationship? Start asking for what you want. Sound easy? It's not. For most of us, even identifying what we want is hard--it's not the things we're nagging him about, it's the deeper, more meaningful things that would truly light us up. It's the things we can't do on our own or get for ourselves--and it's so hard sometimes to admit that there's a limit to our independence. But when we lean into that vulnerability and offer him a real chance to win, the payoff in your relationship is unbelievable. By the way, this is an area I personally struggle with SO MUCH... so expect to hear more about it in the future!
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Ep. 31 - What it Means to Give - Interview with the Husband Part 2
Ep. 31 - What it Means to Give - Interview with the Husband Part 2
Jul 15, 2019
25:28
This week I had my husband back on the podcast to talk about a man's perspective about what it means to give. This is a follow up to "Episode 30 - Just Ask!". It's so helpful to hear a guys perspective on this topic. As I share in the podcast, this is my #1 challenge and something that I know shifts they dynamic of the relationship in a very positive way.
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Ep. 32 - Bringing Home Baby (Part 1)
Ep. 32 - Bringing Home Baby (Part 1)
Jul 23, 2019
17:56
Baby on the way? Or maybe just thoughts of a baby on the way? The transition to life with a new baby is a major one and these five pointers are what we learned from our four children and what kept us sane--and our marriage healthy--during this phase. Check out more podcast episodes and sign up for my free online class at www.firstyearmarried.com You can also check out Ruchi Koval's podcast here: Out of the Orthobox Go to Audible to listen to Alison Armstrong's workshop, The Amazing Development of Men (affiliate link).
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Ep. 33 - Bringing Home Baby (Part 2)
Ep. 33 - Bringing Home Baby (Part 2)
Jul 28, 2019
19:55
This week I’m following up on our Bringing Baby Home episode by answering the questions you sent in. 👶How do I set up healthy boundaries with my in-laws before baby is born? 🙅♀️ What do I do about an anxious partner? 😬 Does my husband need to have a good job before we have a baby? 👔 Have more questions? Send them in! @firstyearmarried on Instagram or email me at kayla at kaylalevin.com 👌
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Ep. 34 - The Five Love Languages Trap
Ep. 34 - The Five Love Languages Trap
Aug 4, 2019
21:23
I am a big fan of Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages. However, I've been seeing some women use this powerful information in a way that actually hurts their relationship, not help it. This week I'll give you a quick overview of the 5 Love Languages, tell you the trap you want to avoid, and how to use this material to benefit your marriage the most. The 5 Love Languages Book*: https://amzn.to/2Zwz4eX *affiliate link
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Ep. 35 - Getting Your Needs Met
Ep. 35 - Getting Your Needs Met
Aug 11, 2019
30:55
I love hearing your questions and I recently got two questions that deserved a better answer than I could give in a quick online chat. Both women were asking about getting what they need from their husbands. Our first question deals with not feeling connected to a husband who travels a lot and doesn't help out when he's home. Our second question is about not getting validation when she needs it. Thank you so much for sending in your questions! If you'd like to send in a question, you can do so @firstyearmarried on Instagram.
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Ep. 36 - Your Husband's Phone
Ep. 36 - Your Husband's Phone
Aug 18, 2019
28:44
Hey newlyweds, What do you do if your husband is spending more time on his phone than communicating with you? What will this mean when kids come along (if they haven't already) and how he's going to be able to connect to him? What if he's getting defensive when you ask him to put away his phone? How much are phones supposed to be used in a healthy marriage? This week we're talking all about the "other wife"--your husband's phone This topic can make us crazy--I get it--but we're going to focus on a practical framework to work on this area in your home. Because let's face it... you probably have a phone, too... Check out this week's episode for a four-step solution to unhealthy phone usage in your new marriage. Here are the steps for you to review when you come back to implement this material! Step 1. The Brain Dump (and analyze) Step 2. Your Vision Step 3. Self-Work Step 4. Pick Your Timeline.
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Ep. 37 - That One Bad Emotion
Ep. 37 - That One Bad Emotion
Aug 25, 2019
24:33
This week we're talking about negative emotions in your marriage. It is so common for newlyweds to feel extremely vulnerable and surprised at the number of negative emotions they may be experiencing in their marriages. The trouble with anger, resentment, frustration, and any negative feeling isn't the feeling itself--its the way we react to it. In this episode, we review our understanding of how emotions work, how to have an authentic emotional life (and how it's not all about "feeling all the feels"), and how to allow negative emotions. Many times, we resist negative emotions either by pushing it away with distractions or by switching to a more comfortable emotion like anger or disappointment. I'll take you through this process and give you an exercise to apply this work to your own marriage. (The thought work here is based on the Self-Coaching Model by Brooke Castillo.)
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Ep. 38 - Your Sister-in-Law
Ep. 38 - Your Sister-in-Law
Sep 2, 2019
29:34
One place I especially like to work on is charged relationships. Partly because this is an area where I have had my own work to do, so I know how important it is, but also because we really discover our own thought processes here and they are funny and surprising. Several of you wrote in asking me to discuss sibling relationships. When I put out a request for specific scenarios, they were almost all about sisters-in-law, so we'll focus on that but these tools really can be applied to any relationship. I have a question about my sister-in-law. I desperately want to become friends with her but every time we do something she is constantly on her phone or gossiping about people from her home town that I have no clue who they are. How can I become friends with someone who doesn’t take the time to talk? There are two parts of to any relationship: how they feel about you and how you feel about them. Which is in your control? We will never know how someone feels about us, and even if we could know, we can’t control it. So I like to have a few thoughts that help me: I get to feel however I want about you. I am going to learn something very important from you. I’m good. How do I deal with a jealous sister in law who wants to make every moment about her? She wanted to know when I was pregnant, when I gave birth, and gender of baby (I’m assuming she means during the pregnancy) and got jealous of my relationship with my MIL. I don’t have involved parents. Let’s break down what’s happening and how we’re interpreting it. Because our interpretations drive our emotional reaction, so we have to have really high standards about what we’ll allow as “fact.” What happened: she asked if you were pregnant (or asked you to tell her when you were) Thought: She needs every moment to be about her. Feeling: Resentment, annoyance, disgust, sadness… whatever Action: Don’t tell her, maybe try to convey with your tone or body language that you’re offended Result: Less closeness, no pairing of you two, so it remains all about her--there isn’t a relationship instead. What if you tried on other thoughts here? How would you feel and behave differently? Have some fun with it. I had my son 9 months ago and my SIL got married 6 weeks before us. Lots of tension. I had a great pregnancy and she is now pregnant and I am extremely happy for them. But at the same time I all of a sudden feel a shift in my MIL since hearing the news. I understand it is her daughter and she is pregnant with her second grandchild, but she is seemingly colder towards me… it may be my own insecurities but what if somehow it could be my SIL stirring it up? She is very insecure with my husband and MIL’s relationship. How do you want to show up in the relationship? Create a clear vision for yourself before any family interaction with your in-laws. It is very normal to feel uncomfortable with your in-law relationship. What if you allowed that? What if you didn't try to make it more comfortable, but just went to a place of observing yourself and your reactions and allowing yourself to be uncomfortable? Want to take this work further? Watch the free video at www.firstyearmarried.com to learn how to coach yourself.
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Ep. 39 - Critical Parents
Ep. 39 - Critical Parents
Sep 9, 2019
20:44
A listener asked me to discuss critical parents and what to do about them. In this week’s podcast we discuss the difference between explicit criticism and subtly undermining your relationship. The key to dealing with criticism is to maintain responsibility over your emotional reaction. When we allow these criticisms to upset us, we have to realize that it’s because we became attached to what they said--that they might be right or that they “shouldn’t” have said it. The easiest way to deal with critical parents is to remember that they “get to” feel and say whatever they want, and you’re FINE. From that place, we can move forward to create healthy, effective boundaries that aren’t an attempt to change them or their behavior. Resources: Brook Castillo on Boundaries: https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/12/ Brook's Boundaries 2.0: https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/163/
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Ep. 40 - Being Hurt
Ep. 40 - Being Hurt
Sep 16, 2019
18:25
This week we’re going to revisit a familiar topic and take the work further. What is happening when you are feeling hurt? Take the last time you were hurt (or disappointed, angry, frustrated…) with your husband and try to remember the specific details. Consider that the reason that you were upset was that he wasn’t doing what you wanted him to be doing. Try to identify what you DID want him to do. What was your plan or rule book for how he should behave? But here’s the model. You’re crying and he’s texting. If he loved me, he’d be hugging me and taking care of me. So you feel hurt, rejected, and maybe angry (much safer) Here’s the reality: Him texting when you are crying says nothing about his love for you. So why are you hurt? ONLY because of the thought you had about it. We’re going to figure out this week how to find an alternative, how to clarify our vision, and how to experience the relationship we want. Unconditional love is on YOU. Leave him out of it! You want a loving relationship? LOVE HIM. And not when he’s adorable and considerate. Love him when he’s a bear. Love him when he’s obnoxious. Here are some thoughts that have really helped me with this... --I love being in love --I love being surprised by him --He’s so different, so foreign to me, just when I think I know him he surprises me Get a buddy, share this episode, and help each other use this information. It can be hard to observe our own brains sometimes. To work with me on-on-one, you can email me at [email protected] or fill out the form at firstyearmarried.com and I’ll send you my booking calendar. For more ideas about the "rule book" (or the "manual") check out Brooke Castillo's podcast, The Life Coach School Podcast.
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Ep. 41 - A Vision For Your Home
Ep. 41 - A Vision For Your Home
Sep 22, 2019
23:05
We’re back to housework this week, believe it or not! This week we’re discussing how leading with your values and vision can make even the most basic kinds of housework more meaningful. I’ll be showing you how to determine your values within your home (and sharing mine) and realize what things DON’T make the list (so you can stop stressing out about them)! I’ll also give you a clear formula for having a vision-led discussion with your husband to enlist the help you need without bringing negativity into your marriage.
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Ep. 42 - Practical Tips for Running The Home
Ep. 42 - Practical Tips for Running The Home
Sep 29, 2019
23:14
I love sharing tips with other women (and sometimes men) about what makes running the home easier for them. In a way, our personality comes out in our hacks. And so this week we're keeping it light and I'm offering you my favorite tips and tricks that help me run the home. I look forward to hearing yours and sharing them on next week's episode!
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Ep. 43 - Listener Tips for Running the Home
Ep. 43 - Listener Tips for Running the Home
Oct 6, 2019
36:17
WOW. You all sent in some awesome tips for running the home! More than that, I love how you all came out to support and help one another! At the end of the day, we're all in this together if we want to be... and the FYM community keeps proving that you are women who look out for one another. I love it. First, an announcement: I will be hosting a special Kallah Cohort of First Year Married targeted specifically to women in the Orthodox Jewish community. Lots of details at the end of the episode! I broke down your tips into three main categories: Vision and Appreciation, Food and Groceries, and General Household Management and Time Management Tips. Have more tips to share? Please send them to @firstyearmarried on Instagram and I will share them over there! All the best, Kayla
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Ep. 44 - Getting Yourself Out of Victim Mentality
Ep. 44 - Getting Yourself Out of Victim Mentality
Oct 13, 2019
26:11
I was looking through some of the requests that I’ve received for topics to cover and I wanted to address the one that would give us the biggest room for growth, the most potential. And so this question “how do I get out of victim mentality?” really stuck out to me. Because as long as we see ourselves as a victim, we are BY DEFINITION powerless. Before we go further: November 10 is the first call of our Kallah Cohort, a specific LIVE First Year Married course for women in the Orthodox Jewish community! The first class is free and no-obligation, but you need to sign up to get a spot! See you there! An important note about this whole episode: this material, like all of my material, does NOT apply to unhealthy or abusive relationships. We all have ups and downs--as individuals and in our marriages--but I encourage anyone who is unsure if their relationship is abusive or dysfunctional to seek out a qualified couples therapist. Here is one great resource. We all fall into victim mentality sometimes, whether it’s a story about our relationship or our abilities at work or with our physical health or self-discipline… Here are seven steps to help you leave victim mode behind. Identify the feeling. Knowing the feeling, viscerally, will help you “red flag” it for the future. How does it feel in your body? What are your habitual thoughts? What’s the story? Anything with a story is optional. Beware of boundaries set to control. If you are frustrated that you set a boundary and it wasn’t followed, you didn’t set a boundary you just told someone what to do and they didn’t do it. Listen to learn how to set boundaries that don't leave you in victim-mode. Articulate the thought. You guys getting used to me saying this? You can’t question a thought until you articulate it. So what’s the story? “I’m not the happily-ever-after type.” So write it down. Look at it. Feel it. Be with it. Don’t be in such a rush to get rid of it. What we tend to do is we half-articulate it then we try to jump to another thought so fast because this one is so painful. Don’t be in a rush. It’s not urgent, it’s just feelings. Notice the results of your thought. Here’s where we want to focus on the present instead of, as is a natural tendency, to go past-focused. It’s interesting to question where your story came from. You for sure have reasons for why it’s true. But right now just look at WHAT THE THOUGHT IS DOING. How does it make you feel? What kinds of things are you capable of with this thought? What aren’t you? Live with your thought. Now that you’ve gone scientific and cerebral, gather some field research on how it’s playing out for you. Watch it in action. Write it down or send a voice memo to your podcast buddy if you have one (if not, time to get one!) Now you can start to jiggle it loose. How is the opposite true? How do you always get happily-ever-after? (Going into the holidays feeling so low from everything that happened with my health this year… then realized the opposite is equally true.) Advanced skill: Go all-out play and pick a new amazing thought! This ONLY works if you’ve really spent time in your current thought, with awareness and mindfulness! Thanks so much for the question and I look forward to seeing you back here next week! In the meantime, have you checked out my FREE class at FirstYearMarried.com? Well, here it is!
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Ep. 45 - How to Handle Overwhelm
Ep. 45 - How to Handle Overwhelm
Oct 20, 2019
24:56
This week we're going to recap a few of the key tools we've covered over the last 44 episodes that will help us all handle overwhelm.
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Ep 46 - Your Relationship Momentum
Ep 46 - Your Relationship Momentum
Oct 27, 2019
18:44
This episode is inspired by a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert's amazing book, Big Magic. The book is about creativity, but of course we're going to be applying it to our marriages here. She says, “any motion whatsoever beats inertia, because inspiration will always be drawn to motion.” When I heard this quote about motion, a light went off. This is such a great illustration of the change that I've seen in my marriage and my clients' marriages. The motion. The momentum. Our relationships have momentum. This week I'm going to give you four strategies for keeping a healthy, forward momentum in your marriage and keep you out of gridlock.
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Ep. 47 - Letting Go is Not Sad
Ep. 47 - Letting Go is Not Sad
Nov 3, 2019
6:06
ANNOUNCEMENT - this is the last week to sign up for the Kallah Cohort! You can do that here. Today it’s time to talk about letting go of your marriage. Not the one you’re in. I mean the one you thought you’d be in. You’ve been married a few months, maybe a year. The cracks are starting to show. This is NOT what you had in mind. This is not what your friends said it was like, or how it looks when you see other couples. This is not what you thought it would feel like. And when I encourage you to let go of all that, you think it’s sad. It’s devastating, really. But that’s not how I see it as your coach. In this week’s podcast, I’m going to tell you why you REALLY need to let go of your fantasy marriage.
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Ep. 48 - Short Term Gain
Ep. 48 - Short Term Gain
Nov 10, 2019
10:31
This week I’m sharing a hack that I learned while researching how to best care for myself as a type 1 diabetic. While it was intended to help with things like glucose control, I think this hack can help all of us on most long-term goals. Adam Brown, writer for diaTribe, writes in his book Bright Spots and Land Mines* about the benefits of setting specific, short-term goals to help us achieve our long term goals. Want better overall health? Think about how your mood will improve in the next few hours when you exercise. So here’s the hack du jour: ask yourself, what makes you feel better TODAY? -Exercise: long term “numbers” or how I feel? -Food: weight loss, or how I’ll be able to focus the rest of the day? -Laundry: is it about you and your abilities to be organized or can you just think about how nice it is to go to bed knowing it’s done? -Investing in your marriage (why don’t I talk about this more??): is it about working towards a long, happy marriage, or just the nice feeling of being an awesome wife? So here’s the strategy: Identify the long-term goal Identify the short-term gain Then… take a pic and tag me! @firstyearmarried or send to [email protected] Have an awesome week! *affiliate link
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Ep. 49 - Don't Weaponize Self-Improvement
Ep. 49 - Don't Weaponize Self-Improvement
Nov 17, 2019
24:44
Announcement: Next week I will be having the amazing ALISON ARMSTRONG on the podcast!!! Make sure you are subscribed because it’s going to be split over two episodes and you are not going to want to miss this interview. I recorded an episode a while back called “Shame Won’t Make You a Better Wife.” Episode 8 You need to hear it again. Because I keep seeing you all using the idea of self-improvement as a way of attacking yourself and your self-worth. You are weaponizing self-control. Against yourself. How you know you’re doing it: You are more conscious of what you’re doing wrong than what you’re doing right. The Perfect Wife has shown up. Your emotional reactions seem to be worse than makes sense. You aren’t making progress. When we are so down on ourselves and then trying to show up as the perfect wife, it’s totally inauthentic. What to do about it. Name the shame. Thank it for its contribution. Consider life without shame. (Sidenote: accidental spending and kids nutrition sabbatical) Consider that your actions may be coming from a place of fear or insecurity. Speak those out loud. See the reverse of them. Clarify your vision as you would if you were speaking to a beloved younger friend. Consider what you would need to believe, truly believe, to make a step towards that vision.
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Ep. 50 - Interview with Alison Armstrong - Part 1
Ep. 50 - Interview with Alison Armstrong - Part 1
Nov 24, 2019
31:47
This week's episode is truly special. When Noah and I sat down to discuss who would be our absolute dream podcast guests, Alison Armstrong topped the list. Her work has been transformative for hundreds of men and women, as she takes the most confusing and frustrating differences between us and makes them crystal clear with humor, compassion, and her characteristic charm. For this episode, I got on the call with the intention of bringing her work into the realm of the newly married... those couples who are just getting to know each other, maybe building families and careers while they're at it. Alison was so wonderfully generous with her knowledge. The episode is divided into two parts, for several reasons. Mainly, I wanted to give you all the best opportunity to digest and try some of these ideas. So if you aren't subscribed yet, make sure to do that right away and you'll get the second part next Sunday when it is released. Alison Armstrong is the co-founder of PAX programs, author of The Queen’s Code book, Understand Men Online Course, and many more programs and workshops. You can find out much more at Alison’s Website: www.understandmen.com and learn about her upcoming LIVE event called LUX here: https://www.understandmen.com/worldevent/lux/ This is what we discussed in this week’s episode: What exactly is Frog Farming? How we just need to get out of the way. What causes men to misbehave? What should we do if our husbands are working too much? The surprising statistic about men in the first year of fatherhood. Why our plans for others never work. How to survive our husband’s early career intensity. How playfulness and affection feed our relationships. How young mothers can incorporate self-care. Why we aren’t getting what we need, and what to do about it. Let me know what you took from this episode! I can’t wait to hear your wins and celebrate with you!
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Ep. 51 - Interview with Alison Armstrong - Part 2
Ep. 51 - Interview with Alison Armstrong - Part 2
Dec 1, 2019
33:15
Alison Armstrong is BACK for the second half of our interview together! Here are some highlights from this week's episode: "Honey we have an issue" --why these are dreaded words to a man "Women are very motivated by upset, they don't want to upset anybody. So we try to motivate men to change by telling hem how upset we are. And it doesn't work at all. And we don't notice it doesn't work at all." - Alison Armstrong How to make the shift from complaining to getting help solving your problems. Breaking down "self care" into something actionable. Identifying your favorite feelings and becoming self-sufficient in providing them for yourself. For some of us... learning to be an adult while also being a newlywed. How men see beauty so differently than we do. Finally, a life lesson from her beloved late husband, Greg. Thank you, Alison, for taking the time to share your wisdom with us! For more from Alison Armstrong, you can find her at www.understandmen.com
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Ep. 52 - Getting Regular Help from Your Husband
Ep. 52 - Getting Regular Help from Your Husband
Dec 9, 2019
19:31
This week I'm answering a much-asked question: how do I get my husband to help out REGULARLY, not just as "helping" me? We've discussed some of these concepts before, especially in Episode 30 - Just Ask! and Episode 30 - What It Means to Give, Interview With The Husband Part 2, but I've never taken the time to do a full, dedicated episode to this issue. And it really is an issue. The ideas of helping, housework, equally divided responsibility, are all loaded for many of us. And more than that, they strongly play into some of the main differences between men and women. How is enthusiasm perceived by men vs. women? What motivates men to want to help? Why do we hate to ask for help? Why do we feel threatened if it's not clear that it's all FAIR? I'd love to hear your thoughts! Email me at kayla (at) firstyearmarried.com or drop me a line on Instagram @firstyearmarried You can also access my FREE class in which I teach you all about how to use coaching tools to COACH YOURSELF on your marriage. Pretty cool, right? You can get that at www.firstyearmarried.com
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Ep. 53 - When Should I Go to Marriage Counseling?
Ep. 53 - When Should I Go to Marriage Counseling?
Dec 16, 2019
47:45
This week I have Simone Sobel, an Atlanta-based couples counselor and trauma therapist on, to discuss some important and common questions about couples therapy: When is it time to go see a couples therapist? What red flags do newlyweds need to know about that may indicate that their husband might have a personality disorder or they may be in an abusive relationship? How to find a good couples therapist? What to expect when you go to a couples therapist? Is it ever too late for couples therapy? How to know if couples therapy is working? How do you decide who to go to between a therapist, a coach, or a mentor or religious advisor? Simone says that marriage classes and coaching are a great foundation for any couple, teaching psycho-educational tools that are beneficial to everyone, even if they’ve been married a long time. When is it time to go see a couples therapist? There are lots of common reasons that couples come to couples therapy. Communication is very poor (ie, they can never get on the same page about a certain issue, or there is stonewalling, chronic defensiveness, hyper-criticism, etc.) Breach of trust in the marriage (ex, one partner spending a lot of money in secret or looking at pornography) Devestating or dificult life events (losing a job, health crisis, loss of a child or parent) Lifecycle change (retirement, new baby, empty nest, a major move) Negative cycles that aren’t going away and you need outside help. Fine tuning a good relationship (no, there don’t have to be major issues to go to a therapist!) Spiritual mentors can be very helpful for spiritual based issues, and often they give very good guidance and advice. If you find you are going again and again to your priest, rabbi, etc., and aren’t making progress, that would be a time to consider a therapist. What are some red flags that your husband may have a psychological or personality issue or disorder? If a woman feels consistantly criticized and put down in a way that makes him/her feel insecure, demaned, or shamed. Ongoing provocation, even with a calm or apologetic period between cycles, are considered a cycle of abuse. If your husband is trying to isolate you from your friends, this is a red flag. If your spouse can never take responsibility for an issue, this is also a red flag. Kayla’s note: friends are not the best place to “diagnose” your husband. A therapist will be able to distinguish between normal human misbehavior and serious dysfunction or abuse. Simone: Find one person to speak with, more of a mentor, who is supportive. A coach or therapist can be neutral and non-judgemental. Couples can get into negative cycles and say mean things to each other, but it’s not necessarily abusive. Read more on the First Year Married website.
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Ep. 54 - Feel More Love
Ep. 54 - Feel More Love
Dec 23, 2019
9:39
This week sharing one of my favorite Jewish ideas, which I was reminded of by a Tony Robbins quote. Who... last I checked... was most definitely not a rabbi 🤣 The word for love in Hebrew is ahava. The root word of ahava is "hav" which means "give." This is here to remind us that the root of love is giving. What's the last project you truly invested in? Didn't you love it? The more we work, the more we try, the more we love. And yet we somehow expect our marriages to do all the work for us. As if a marriage is a THING that can WORK. But somehow they should make us happy.... or they're broken. So this week we're turning it all on its head. Please join us 💜
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Ep. 55 - Money Dates with Yael Trusch of Jewish Latin Princess
Ep. 55 - Money Dates with Yael Trusch of Jewish Latin Princess
Dec 30, 2019
41:05
Get Yael's free Money Dates PDF at jewishlatinprincess.com/moneydate This week I had the pleasure of inviting Yael Trusch, host of Jewish Latin Princess who is sharing the amazing concept of Money Dates. Yael has a background in finance and is now an author and inspirational speaker, so she brings the vision from one world to the practical of the other! Money is one of the main sources of stress for couples, and often we struggle to have these conversations. While the impulse may be to avoid these conversations, Yael shows us how carving out the time actually helps make it easier to discuss money. And it's not just about counting dollars. Yael brings in values, vision, and dreams, and shows us how the way we spend our money can become a reflection of our deepest values. So what's a money date? A money date is specific time you carved out in the calendar to speak about your finances. Yael suggests discussing it on a global level first--what lessons did you learn from your family? How has your experience with money been so far?--and then gradually adding in budgeting, investing, and planning. Follow Yael at www.jewishlatinprincess.com and on Instagram @jewishlatinprincess Download the free PDF: www.jewishlatinprincess.com/moneydate
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Ep. 56 - The Marriage You Want / Should I Get a Divorce?
Ep. 56 - The Marriage You Want / Should I Get a Divorce?
Jan 5, 2020
31:08
2019 was the year of the podcast at First Year Married (we passed 40k!!!). I’ve been honored to meet you, to have your sisters and friends get hooked, to introduce this work I’m so passionate about. Thank you everyone!! 2020 is going to be the year of group coaching. It’s time to take this work and really dive deep and apply it. Improving our marriages improves every area of our life, and it’s the best place to work on this thought work, which is then a piece of cake to apply elsewhere in our lives. Group Coaching Details: NOT just for newlyweds (and therefore I need name ideas) Monthly focus video Worksheets and journal pages Twice monthly calls Whatsapp group Sign up at FirstYearMarried.com/course -- all participants get 3 months of group coaching for free, then can continue on from there! The Marriage You Want. Here's what I hear... My husband is great but still want a divorce I don't want a divorce, but he drives me crazy I'm not showing up how I want, I get in a funk or I'm mean I'm not measuring up to the wife I have in mind, the one who always has a clean house, makes delicious meals, never gets angry, always feels loving -- even if intellectually I know that’s all ridiculous Here’s the thing. If you are unhappy in your marriage it's ALWAYS because of your THOUGHTS. Example: husband not helping "If he’d only be more involved... if he’d do what I needed... if he’d tell me to get to bed when I’m obviously falling apart..." So let’s say you cook a delicious dinner. You leave work even though you’d rather stay and finish a few things up, shlep to the store, get all the ingredients from this fancy Pinterest recipe you found, slave in the kitchen, you’re starving because now it’s already 8 PM and he’s come in three times to sniff around… and now he reaches into the cabinet and takes out a box of crackers and sits down on the couch to eat them. Now you’re fuming, you’re resentful, what’s happening here? You're cooking, and he's eating. That's it. This is all about awareness. It really does feel like he’s the problem, I know. And the obvious solution is -- at least in theory -- to switch him out for a newer model. But here’s the thing-- wherever you go, there you are. So even if you ultimately make a choice to end the marriage, even if I give you that, don’t do it because you haven’t taken responsibility for your own feelings. Don’t do it because your brain is running wild and you aren’t paying attention. Don't forget to sign up for the free course at FirstYearMarried.com/course or watch the free introductory video at FirstYearMarried.com
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Ep. 57 - Do Your Homework
Ep. 57 - Do Your Homework
Jan 12, 2020
15:31
Welcome to the episode where I bonk you on the head my friends! So many of you are rocking the intellectual game with this thought work. You see it in your friends and family. You know your recurring thoughts. You are even seeing some changes in how you show up. But you have NOT taken out a pen and paper and actually done the heavy lifting! I get it... until you've done it, it doesn't seem that important. Trust me on this one. So this week I'm going to walk you through what exactly you can do to take this work deeper. What exactly to do with said pen and paper. Can't wait to see what comes next for you. For more help with this, watch the free class at www.firstyearmarried.com
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Ep. 58 - When You Can't Get Over It
Ep. 58 - When You Can't Get Over It
Jan 19, 2020
21:25
I was working with a client and she was stuck on the idea of being authentic with our feelings while at the same time taking responsibility for them and choosing what I call “helpful thoughts.” So this week we're going to talk about the difference between processing our feelings and holding onto our feelings. The easiest way is to think of it as sensations vs words. Thoughts are words (sentences, usually), and feelings are physical sensations. We read the tight shoulders and clenched stomach as anxiety or anger. Focus on what the body is experiencing. We’re told to process our emotions, not to ignore how we feel, to honor our feelings, but we need to get really clear on what that means. Going in thought circles... ruminating on that one horrible thing or that offensive thing she/he said... that's not feeling your feelings. That's just having a thought and getting really attached to it being true and having that thought over and over until you can't see your way out of it. This week I'm teaching you how to process a feeling. The deeper question I think is really, when is it a feeling and when is it intuition? If I know that I’m responsible for my feelings, does that mean I can’t ever use them to help guide me? How do I know the difference? Your intuitive sense is not urgent. It is calm and clear. It doesn’t speak to you in rules like “he shouldn’t” or accusations like, “how dare he” or desperate questions like “how can I possibly not be hurt or be happy like this?” Trust that when you quiet the screaming, loud, urgent emotions, that inner voice will certainly come up for you.
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Ep. 59 - Talking About Your Feelings - Listener Q&A
Ep. 59 - Talking About Your Feelings - Listener Q&A
Jan 27, 2020
29:55
This week I'm taking your questions about sharing your FEELINGS with your husband! Question #1: HOW do I share my feelings with my husband, and how do I create a relationship where we can do that? Answer: First of all, STOP and be absolutely sure that you aren't sharing your feelings in an effort to change him! We always want to be responsible for our OWN feelings, so you must stop and do some thought work and figure this out. Sharing your feelings so that he'll change is, essentially, manipulation, which of course none of us want to do. (If you need support on the thought work piece, go to www.firstyearmarried.com and watch video #1 of my course!) Question #2: How do you separate frustrations in a conversation and say it in a way that your spouse can understand the REASONS for your frustration? Answer: If your frustration is with him, you want to start by taking care of your own emotional well-being (see above). "As long as he's responsible for how you're feeling, you're really limited." Beyond that, sometimes we need to actually plan out a conversation with our husband. Let's say your life is set up in a way that you're not getting enough sleep. First, work on the resentment piece. Then you can come to the conversation with openness and belief that the two of you can find a solution. To hear my interviews with Alison Armstrong where we talked about our husbands' problem-solving abilities, go here. Question #3: What do I do about a husband who can't access his own feelings and frustration? Answer: Focus on your lane. His feelings and thoughts are HIS lane, not yours. So question how YOU want to show up in this situation. What's your story about how he's acting? Why is it a problem? Actually get this down on paper. Question #4: If something bothers you about how your spouse deals with disciplining the kids, how do you communicate that? Answer: Women often have more experience with kids coming into a marriage, so we often see ourselves as the authority. So first of all, go back to the business partner model. Is it possible this highly respected partner might have another good idea? Possibly even a better idea? Could I maybe be wrong about this? He's different from you by design. Question #5: I always hear about your feelings are not your thoughts and the other way around, but how do we work on internalizing this? Answer: There's a difference between processing a feeling and just thinking a thought over and over. This is described clearly in Episode 58, "When You Can't Get Over It." Question #6: I'd love to get help with first identifying the feelings--like, what am I even feeling right now? Answer: It's just a vocabulary problem. You can literally Google "list of feelings" or "synonyms for sad." It is helpful, but don't worry about not being there yet.
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Ep. 60 - The Joy of Staying in Your Lane
Ep. 60 - The Joy of Staying in Your Lane
Feb 3, 2020
12:13
We're talking this week about the three main parts of staying in our lane: Emotionally, Physically, and in How You Show Up. Instead of feeling good because of what he’s been doing or not doing and what you made that mean, let’s feel good because you are taking care of your own emotional wellbeing. For some of you, especially if you’re new (and there are so many new people so welcome!!) I know that it sounds like a cop out. Like I’m letting him off the hook. But here’s the crazy truth. He doesn’t have the ability to make you happy anyway. Only you can do that. So the best place to start is that whenever we notice our mind wandering, or our feelings reacting, to the way he’s acting or who he seems to be, to gently remind ourselves to get back into our own lanes. He missed date night, because he stayed late at work. Your automatic thought is LIKELY to be, “if he really cared, he wouldn’t miss date night.” Guess how many women out there would be thrilled for their husband to want to work that hard? I’ve got one group telling me they can’t be happy because their husband doesn’t work hard, and the other half telling me they can’t be happy because their husband works too hard. Like I said, he can’t make you happy. There isn’t a happy medium. There’s only what you make it mean. What is too much work, anyway? Is there an amount of hours somewhere that we all mutually agreed upon? Where did you come up with the idea of what’s too much, what’s not enough? That’s the kind of work we want to do, questioning our thoughts, figuring out where they came from and where they are leading us. How do I take care of ME in this marriage? We need a whole episode on this phenomenon I’m seeing where women lose the self-preservation gene the moment they tie the knot. Suddenly he’s responsible for your water intake and whether you’re overworked. For sure, even more so once you’ve had kids! But is that how you would have acted if you were single? Waited around for some guy to bring you a water bottle and remind you to hydrate? No of course not! We want to feel like a good wife. We have to dig a little deeper to know what that means. What did you decide is a good wife? What things are just sticking with you and giving you guilt or shame, but you don’t even believe them? Who are you measuring yourself against? Then get crystal clear on what ideas are rattling around in our heads and THEN you can do the work of clarifying what values you truly believe. Bring those values, bring that woman into the marriage, and just see what that creates. It’s going to be an amazing month If you want to join us to take this work further, this is our entire focus in the month of January, in our Focus video and workbook and live group coaching calls. Group coaching is only available to grads of first year married online, to allow us all to take this work much deeper. Join us by signing up for First Year Married Online -- the foundational course that ALL newlyweds (and I’m talking easily through 5years married but we’ve had women married MUCH longer) should absolutely be taking -- and you get your first three months of group coaching totally free! www.firstyearmarried.com I can’t wait to see you inside. Have a great week! Buh bye!
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Ep. 61 - How it's Supposed to Feel
Ep. 61 - How it's Supposed to Feel
Feb 9, 2020
16:03
For many newlyweds, they are feeling a lot of shame about negative emotions about their marriage. It's important to know that there is a known physiological high that comes at the beginning of a relationship. For many women, there is also the wedding high. And just like ANYTHING new you begin, there’s a back-to-reality moment. I want you to know that that’s totally fine. Being a newlywed is, on an emotional level, like slow cooker vs instapot…… all the emotions are intensified. Here are some emotions I think you can totally feel sometimes in a perfectly healthy marriage: Annoyed. Enchanted. Frustrated. Resentful. Curious. Insecure -- in him and in you. It’s all fine. It’s all invited here. Where you want to be careful is getting too attached to your story that’s creating the thought. You can feel all the feels. But you also don’t have to get attached to the story that led to them. Was he maybe the wrong guy? Is he inconsiderate? Is he not driven enough? Does he not care enough about your religious values? Notice those thoughts and know that they’re okay, too. The amazing thing that happens is that when we’re scared to think these thoughts, is that we fixate on them. They terrify us. I recently got coached on this. One of my kids did something very dangerous and I was reeling for a month afterwards. I kept having this thought, I can’t keep them safe. But I didn’t want to think that thought, it made me feel sick it was so scary, so I tried to push it away. Guess what happened? I had that thought approximately twenty billion times a day. All my mental energy was in this back and forth energy of thinking/pushing away/coming back… it was exhausting, and I was just getting more and more anxious. It wasn’t until my coach had me get really curious about that thought, to notice it and accept it and even see where it’s true and where it’s not as true and notice what the thought was creating that I was able to move on from the anxiety. You can feel all the feels, without constantly regenerating them by fixating on the thoughts. You can be cranky sometimes. If you want more support to take this further, I just opened a few more spots for one on one coaching. I take you through the full FYM process with private, one on one coaching, you get lifetime access to the full online course, you learn all the material AND how to apply it in your unique situation. To apply, go to firstyearmarried.com and click “personal coaching” up top. Have an amazing week.
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Ep. 62 - Your Marriage is a Baby
Ep. 62 - Your Marriage is a Baby
Feb 17, 2020
11:55
My business coach Stacey Boehman was giving this analogy about entrepreneurs and their new businesses and even though I’ve heard her say it before suddenly it totally clicked that this is such a fantastic perspective shift for newlyweds as well! Ok so here’s the analogy: Your business is a baby. Your marriage isn’t here to make you happy. (Sorry!) Just like if you had a brand new baby or a brand new business, you wouldn’t expect it to perform for you. Your marriage just happened! There’s nothing there yet. John Gottman, who is a leading marriage researcher, describes the idea as an emotional bank account. 5 to 1 positive to negative--that's the ratio we need to maintain, according to his research, for a healthy relationship. But the other part of the emotional bank account is that it takes time to build up a balance. I remember getting my first ATM card. And who knows what I put on it, maybe $40? At that point, getting something for $20 would be a huge deal. That’s half my account! Also, maybe I didn’t know how much and how often I’d be making money, so that’s also a concern. How am I supposed to take money out of an account if I have no idea when more is coming? It's exactly like this for a newlywed. So this week I want you to remember this--it’s ok if you aren’t getting the dividends on your marriage yet. That comes later. And it really does, I’m telling you at 10 years married I’m literally happier every passing year. But that comes with this attitude of investment. And the great news is it doesn’t have to be major dramatic romantic actions! In fact, John Gottman specifically says so in his research -- it’s better to have lots of small “turning toward” actions than a few large romantic gestures. Also, I think it’s really critical whenever I give you concepts like this, or you learn them elsewhere, that you be onto yourself. You’re going to want to relate it to HIM. Is he making romantic gestures? Is he turning towards? Back in your lane, sweetheart. (That's how I say it to myself.) You can only change yourself, but you are fifty percent of this relationship. Do you think you can improve who you are and not improve your marriage? I don’t think it’s possible. Go take care of your baby :) Sources and links mentioned in this episode: Brooke Castillo’s The Life Coach School Stacey Boehman - Business Mindset John Gottman: The Emotional Bank Account The First Year Married Elite Coaching Program The First Year Married Online Self-Study The First Year Married FREE Class
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Ep. 63 - He's Going on a Trip
Ep. 63 - He's Going on a Trip
Feb 25, 2020
15:36
In this week's episode, inspired by my husband's recent business trip, I lead you through an exercise to re-evaluate your self-care. Many women drop their self-care (especially the most basic things, like sleeping and eating) when we get married or get into a long-term relationship. These are all areas that we generally took responsibility for (even if we were lagging, we certainly weren't blaming our roommates or siblings because we didn't remember to eat breakfast!). And it's more than physical self care, too; it's also about the variety of relationships we fostered and needed. We need someone for advice but we don't expect that person to also give us a laugh or an exciting time out and also to provide our romantic needs and be a listening, supportive ear at the end of the day... etc., etc., And yet when we get married, we often expect our marriage relationship to provide what ALL those individual relationships provided. Which is an unhealthy and unfair expectation. I thought I'd mastered this, but then when my husband told me he was going to be going on a business trip, I immediately realized there were a few things I needed to do if I wasn't going to have him to fall back on. Wait a second--why am I PLANNING to fall back on him in the first place? Why not taking care of myself in the first place?? So here are three ways to reevaluate your self-care regimen. 1. Imagine your husband is going to be going away for a week. What are the three things you'd for sure need to do to make sure your physical needs are taken care of? (Even if you usually do these things but they are now moving up to "nonnegotiable"--listen to the episode for my example about showers.) 2. What things would you "get" to do with some time and energy freed up that you may be holding in reserve for your husband? Did you imagine a coffee date with a friend or a paint night? How can you schedule that in now? 3. Imagine your husband is away -- what would you miss? What would be sad about that? And then you can take those things and celebrate all these wonderful elements he provides for your marriage! We always need to encourage our minds to be more positive and notice the positive, because they aren't naturally inclined to do so. What are three little things you'd be sad about if he was away? Interested in learning more? The first lesson in the First Year Married Online Course is available for free at www.firstyearmarried.com Enjoy!
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Ep. 64 - Self-Esteem and Your Marriage
Ep. 64 - Self-Esteem and Your Marriage
Mar 2, 2020
25:21
This week I’m answering a listener question and I think it’s a topic that will be so fun to dive into. Let me start by reading what she wrote: Could you discuss “the importance of self-esteem: how both poor and healthy self-esteem can influence our relationships, and how to strengthen it. I realise that this is absolutely a backbone of all your material, but maybe it's worth revisiting a basic.” Self-esteem is definitely a hot topic, and it’s one of those things that we talk about so much that we actually can lose touch with SPECIFICALLY what it means. So let’s start by defining our terms. Miriam-Webster defines self-esteem as: “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself : SELF-RESPECT” So essentially, self-esteem is nothing but the thoughts we have about ourselves. But that’s not how we talk about self-esteem. The way we talk about self-esteem, if someone didn’t have a clue what it was, it sounds more like a physical condition you have or don’t have. She doesn’t have self-esteem. That will hurt her self-esteem. And since we discuss self-esteem in this way so consistently, we start to act like it’s a physical thing we can control and grow and hurt and effect. Not a series of thoughts. We all have the thoughts we go back to the most. The way our brain is wired, the more we think a thought the easier and more automatic it becomes to think it --or sometimes a specific major event will just give us one really deeply embedded thought right away. And the reason I want to break it down for you is this: If I think I need to work on my self-esteem, or I think I don’t have good self-esteem, those are also thoughts. And neither one is terribly empowering. So I want to offer to you that self-esteem isn’t really a thing. It’s not. You can’t touch it or measure it. No two people will exactly agree on it. It’s totally subjective. Can you see that? And when you don’t have a thing called “self-esteem” that is causing you to act a certain way or that you need to work on or that he has a problem with (I’ve coached on all of those, multiple times), what are you left with? What you’re left with is a question: why did I act that way? And it always comes back to a thought. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to be married. I’m no good at this. I can’t learn. The commuter train you always took before you hop on without even noticing. The train that goes downtown to the dangerous neighborhood you let fly by. And you can just sit in the station and watch them all go by. I’m more interested in the person you can be than how accurately you’ve described all your shortcomings. I still have negative thoughts about myself. But I just don’t spend so much time there unless I feel I need to do some major soul searching. Which sometimes I do. And I make changes. So the most motivating thing, I think, is to remember: how do I want to show up? How do you want to show up in your marriage? Are you willing to skip some of your comfortable, recognizable trains to get there? Are you able to focus on HIM and what you’re BUILDING and not on you? Stop riding those trains. Let them get old and rusty. Get clear on where you want to go. Then you’ll have a better idea of how to get there. To take this work deeper and learn the critical research that will help you understand and support your husband and your marriage better, check out the First Year Married course at www.firstyearmarried.com. Join in March and be part of our March challenge!
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Ep. 65 - Purim & He's Not a Reflection of You
Ep. 65 - Purim & He's Not a Reflection of You
Mar 9, 2020
13:41
We are celebrating a holiday in the Jewish world... one that isn't quite as famous as Yom Kippur or Passover... today is Purim! What happens on Purim? Among many other things, like donating money to charity, hearing the story of Purim read in synagogue, dressing up and bringing gifts to friends… men drink. Sometimes women drink, too, but generally it’s the men. And with that often comes behaviors that make us uncomfortable, nervous, critical... And this can make some women really uncomfortable. But guess what, it’s not Purim’s fault, because we have similar situations coming in from non Jewish listeners, too! "He doesn’t know how to be around my family." "He blew it at work." "He’s so embarrassing when he fights with my friends." There are two pieces to this that we have to get clear on. 1. Identification -- we have a primal instinct to want to be accepted into the team or the tribe. Once you know that, you can start to settle that very anxious part of your brain that thinks this is all going to kill you. 2. Judgement -- wait, me? No way! Yep, call it like it is, my friend. Start to notice when you're in judgement. Be honest with yourself, so that you can start to learn when and how to move out of judgement. Check out the podcast for the how-to on working through these two issues. Happy Purim for those celebrating!
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Ep. 66 - Coronavirus & Zero Based Scheduling on the Fly
Ep. 66 - Coronavirus & Zero Based Scheduling on the Fly
Mar 16, 2020
22:26
Many of you have listened to and adopted Zero Based Scheduling (from Episode 2: Why You Don't Have Enough Time and Episode 6: Zero Based Scheduling Update). But now, thanks to work-from-homes, school closures and, for some of you, kids at home (gasp!) that beautiful zero-based schedule has gone right out the window. Never fear! Zero-Based scheduling can be done on the fly. And it's still awesome. Planning out your day the night before (and I give you the main tips on how to do this successfully) will transform the following day. PS If you and hubs are about ready to kill each other in lockdown, go NOW and check out the free video at firstyearmarried.com and give yourself a mental breather!
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Ep. 67 - The Newlywed's Coronavirus Survival Guide (& Passover!)
Ep. 67 - The Newlywed's Coronavirus Survival Guide (& Passover!)
Mar 25, 2020
26:50
* Coronavirus Update: After hearing from several of you, Noah and I talked extensively about how to best support you all during this situation. We've decided to make a temporary pay-what-you-can pricing on the First Year Married online course. Please share with your friends and let's support each other as much as we can. This doesn't have to be hard on your marriage--it could actually be amazing. www.FirstYearMarried.com/course gets you to the signup page. Let's talk about surviving this whole COVID-19 situation as a newlywed. Schedules are out the window, your normal bucket-fillers like social time or work or the gym are non-options, and the stress may be running very high. So we're going to talk about what we can do to make the most of this situation. First, of course, we gotta look at thoughts. How do we manage our minds so we don’t go insane or start to hate our husbands? Second, (you won't be so surprised) we'll talk about hacks. Science and psychology based hacks are easy ways to improve your quality of life with a minimum of effort. I'm also going to be talking a bit about getting ready for Pesach/Passover at the end, for those of you who celebrate. So let's start by taking a look inside your head. How are you thinking about this whole thing? Coronavirus, being home probably, still newly married... For a lot of you I'm talking to, the thought sounds something like this: “this is all very bad.” It's a pretty vague and generic thought, actually, but it's plenty strong enough to stir up some anxiety, overwhelm... What if you were wrong about that? What if this whole Coronavirus situation could actually be really good for you? For your new marriage? Actually, this could be a fantastic opportunity for growth for you. You are in the major leagues now. You've been listening to this podcast, reading books, working on your relationship... now's the time to put all that to work. Now's the time for some major self-awareness, some fantastic growth potential. What are you feeling and where is it coming from? And how are you a little wrong? How is the opposite also true? Take some time to get some awareness. If you're feeling off-kilter or overwhelmed or stressed, or you just got to the bottom of the container of Oreos and nobody helped you... Great time to take a look inside your brain. Ok so now for some hacks: 1. News restriction. When do you want to check? Take a day on. Take a day off. You could even ask your husband to keep you updated and just turn it all off. How many different places are you getting your news from? Twitter and WhatsApp and TV? Pick one. Narrow it down. The news is designed to suck you in. Put up some guardrails so you can maintain some mental space for yourself. Technology/social media restriction. ebook or book? Go for the physical book if you can. We are much more on our screens than usual. What can you do that’s tech-free, even if for only a few minutes a day? If you can still go for a walk, can you leave your phone at home? Or just make some boundaries--leave the phone out of the bedroom and dining area, for instance. More phone calls. There’s a hierarchy of meaningful communication, according to humanetech.com. Actual live phone/video calls are best, so try to make at least one a day. After that, voice messages are better than text, and using emojis actually improves the connection quotient of a text message. Group messaging, which isn’t really personal, gives the feeling of socializing but doesn’t pack the same punch. So call your bestie. Read the full episode notes on the podcast page at www.FirstYearMarried.com
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Ep. 68 - Why is My Husband Wasting His Time?
Ep. 68 - Why is My Husband Wasting His Time?
Mar 29, 2020
15:42
In this week’s podcast, I’m answering questions that have come in about being irritated with a husband who is wasting his time during lockdown. This is a pretty common challenge (a LOT of you commented on this one!) so know you’re not alone--but I wanted to share a few ideas to help you understand this differently and hopefully experience less frustration. He seems like an extension of us when we want to get things done. Now I have four hands! But… he’s not. He does actually get to decide how to spend his time. I find the easiest approach here is to catch yourself and laugh at it. Just because you’re going through the same experience doesn’t mean you’re experiencing it the same. This whole coronavirus experience, even though for many of us it doesn’t require a lot of physical energy, it can be very draining. So he may be vegging out. And the truth is… maybe it ISN’T the most helpful way for him to process his stress or anxiety, but... you get that, right? Sometimes we reach for chocolate when we probably should go for a run. It seems to me that on a meta level, we are being forced into appreciating the feminine. Male brains, due to testosterone, are wired for accomplishment and scoring points. Women’s brains are wired for emotions and communication. And we both have both, but right now practically ALL we have is the relationships and communication. Most of our externals are the same. And what most of us raised in the West have gotten is that our value comes from how much we accomplish, but that’s an inherently masculine approach. What if we’re wrong about that? Or what if it’s not right or wrong and this is an opportunity to see that value for what it is--an arbitrary value? What does it mean just to be?
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Ep. 69 - For the Love of Lists
Ep. 69 - For the Love of Lists
Apr 22, 2020
15:59
It's been a crazy few weeks for us all! I'm sorry I haven't been here in a little bit but I needed to step back for a few weeks. Hopefully you had a chance to catch up on some older episodes during the break. ;) There's no possible way for a podcast episode to address the range of experiences and emotions that COVID-19 is bringing up for us. For some, it's the frustration of being stuck inside, needing our normal outlets, missing our friends and support systems. For others, it's the devastation of losing loved ones or anxiety about high-risk friends and family (or ourselves). So instead of addressing this whole gamut of experiences, I wanted to give you one clear tool you can focus on. I find this personally to be very grounding when life feels out of control so I hope it will be valuable to you, as well. This episode is about my love of using lists, and how lists pick up where scheduling can leave off. Much of what I learned about lists and routines I learned as a newlywed from Marla Cilley, the Flylady. Enjoy!
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Ep. 70 - Your Thoughts About Your Thoughts
Ep. 70 - Your Thoughts About Your Thoughts
Apr 27, 2020
12:58
Are there some things you just shouldn't think in a marriage? What does it mean if I'm annoyed by my husband? Do happy couples ever think like this? This week we're going to dive into something that's been coming up a lot in my coaching-- worry and panic and fear about certain thoughts. Put another way, your thoughts ABOUT your thoughts are causing more trouble than the thoughts themselves! How do we address this? Can Kayla manage to describe this without a visual aid? You'll have to listen to find out ;) New here? Check out the free video at FirstYearMarried.com to get the full foundation for everything I talk about on this podcast.
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Ep. 71 - Newly Married & Unemployed
Ep. 71 - Newly Married & Unemployed
May 4, 2020
24:54
Whether it's you or your husband, because of COVID-19 or you simply haven't landed the right job yet, unemployment can cause huge stress--particularly for newlyweds. In this episode, I'm diving into some of the neuroscience that explains why our reaction might be more intense than logic dictates, what to do about it, and how to use this (or any) challenge as a way of building and supporting your new marriage. I'm also sharing our personal journey as unemployed newlyweds, and why I wouldn't take that experience back for the world. Learn more: www.firstyearmarried.com/course Source: The Female Brain by Dr. Louann Brizendine
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Ep. 72 - How to Prepare to Be an Amazing Parent
Ep. 72 - How to Prepare to Be an Amazing Parent
May 11, 2020
19:36
It amazes me how much more comfortable we are talking about working on our parenting, but nobody wants to mention that they're working on their marriage. Somehow, we can grow in parenting and it's noble, but if we need to grow in our marriage, it speaks of some deep failure in us. But let's take a step back and consider... What is actually going to make the biggest impact on your child's life? Another class, or a healthy and happy home? In addition--not that we need anything beyond that--the meta-skills you learn in your marriage all translate to your parenting. Self-awareness. Self-control. Self-compassion. Realizing that no, your child is NOT actually the problem and yes, you CAN experience this differently. And knowing how to do that. Understanding how to step out of our experience and biases and see from another's perspective. Modeling that negative emotions are not dangerous and we can handle some discomfort. Count me in on that parenting class. It starts with your marriage. Join us at firstyearmarried.com/course
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Ep. 73 - Using Questions to Deepen Your Relationship - A Conversation with Maggie Reyes
Ep. 73 - Using Questions to Deepen Your Relationship - A Conversation with Maggie Reyes
May 18, 2020
54:09
What do you get when you put two marriage coaches on a Zoom call? A fun, loving deep dive into the world of making marriages better. Maggie Reyes recently came out with a (now best-selling) book, Questions for Couples Journal and I thought this was the perfect chance to invite Maggie on to share with the FYM audience! I get so many questions about how to make date nights more meaningful and what books I recommend. I also love this book as an idea for couples who aren't going out on traditional dates--whether due to COVID or newlywed finances. We covered a lot of ground in this episode--well beyond just the book--and I know you'll get a lot out of it. Find out more about Maggie Reyes at MaggieReyes.com Follow First Year Married on Instagram @firstyearmarried Sign up for the First Year Married online course at FirstYearMarried.com/Course
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Ep. 74 - The Danger of External Validation
Ep. 74 - The Danger of External Validation
May 24, 2020
21:01
In this week's episode, we're diving into what happens in your brain when someone gives you a compliment and why never manages to improve our self image in the long term. It's a brain-nerdy one, so I know you'll love it :) Think about who you could be when you could generate your OWN confidence and self-esteem, whenever you need it. I'm going to tell you how. First Year Married Online Course First Year Married on Instagram
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Ep. 75 - Happily Ever After
Ep. 75 - Happily Ever After
Jun 1, 2020
6:41
Sometimes we get so caught up in "fixing" things that we lose sight of what we are actually aiming for. But what does marriage look like with *true* connection? What can we achieve when we allow ourselves to drop our agenda and truly experience our spouse? Disney may have given us one image of what "Happily Ever After" looks like. Design your own dream. Let's aim high.
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Ep. 76 - Getting Re-Centered in the Middle of Chaos
Ep. 76 - Getting Re-Centered in the Middle of Chaos
Jun 9, 2020
7:48
This isn't the podcast I wanted to record this week. I wanted to record a podcast to help you feel safe and connected even when you disagree with your husband. Even when you disagree about the big stuff. But right now the big stuff has me off-balance. So I'm taking some time to re-center myself. Remind myself of what I know to be true. This is the only way for me to be the best wife, mother, coach, and rabble-rouser that I can be. What do you know to be true, my friends? Stay centered. Ibram X. Kendi on Unlocking Us with Brene Brown: https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-ibram-x-kendi-on-how-to-be-an-antiracist/
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Ep. 77 - Anxiety & Resentment
Ep. 77 - Anxiety & Resentment
Jun 15, 2020
16:04
The best thing about working on your marriage is that you get exposed to patterns of thinking that have existed for years--maybe even your entire life--and never really surfaced until it affects you in this relationship. What looks like a big problem is actually an amazing opportunity to improve your own self-mastery in a way you never could before. Anxiety and resentment both come from an essential judgement, either of ourselves or of another person. With many newlyweds, these emotions seem negative and sometimes even scary--because we make it mean that we can’t have a good marriage if we’re feeling bad emotions. I often find that identifying the emotion of resentment can be tricky when we’ve spent our lives believing that there are “resentful people” and the rest of us. But gaining awareness is the critical first step towards gaining traction. These emotions aren’t dangerous and you’re for sure not alone. Check out the episode to get some tips on dealing with these feelings in your marriage. What You’ll Learn In This Episode: What drives anxiety and resentment Why we often mislabel them How to identify them more accurately, and why that’s important Why neither of these are a problem for your marriage What to be wary about when learning from a marriage educator or coach When you’re ready to take this work deeper, join us in the First Year Married Online community.
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Ep. 78 - Your Inner Guru
Ep. 78 - Your Inner Guru
Jun 20, 2020
16:35
In this week’s episode, I’m going to teach you a fun, easy tool that you can use to access the “wise” part of your brain when your thoughts feel out of control. When we get caught up in anxiety, insecurity, resentment, or other strong emotions, especially if we are also newly-married and those emotions can be super intense, it can feel like our thoughts are spinning out of control. We get caught up in playing out every scenario, every conversation, every imaginary argument, and it feels productive but the truth is it gets us nowhere. To recenter ourselves, to get back to a place where our thoughts can serve us and help us to get to a more balanced place, we need another “voice” that is distinct from the one spinning out of control. So on this episode, I’ll teach you how to access your inner guru and play out some fun scenarios of what that could look like. Want to take this work further and join a community of women committed to enjoying the newlywed season and growing as they do it? Check us out at www.firstyearmarried.com/course See more episodes at www.firstyearmarried.com/podcast
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Ep. 79 - Find a Guru (Summer Series Announcement!)
Ep. 79 - Find a Guru (Summer Series Announcement!)
Jun 28, 2020
15:33
Last week we talked about finding your inner guru, the voice of calm that you can call upon when your brain feels like it’s spinning out of control. This week I want to introduce you to the idea of finding an external guru. The concept is simple. Find an area where you struggle, whether practically or emotionally. And instead of troubleshooting, look for the person for whom this is natural, satisfying, even... dare I say it... fun? Actually, you don't need to go looking, because this summer I will be interviewing one powerful woman each week to be our guru in all the areas I hear most from you that you are struggling with. Whaaat!!! This is going to be so. much. fun. Make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a single episode! We have some AMAZING interviews lined up! https://firstyearmarried.com/ep-79-find-a-guru-and-summer-series-announcement/
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Ep. 80 - Cooking Guru - Jamie Geller Part 1
Ep. 80 - Cooking Guru - Jamie Geller Part 1
Jul 8, 2020
26:24
WE GOT JAMIE GELLER!!! Can you tell I'm excited?! Jamie Geller, today the head of the largest kosher network in the world, has been an inspiration to me from the time I was a newlywed and stumbled upon her first cookbook, Quick and Kosher. Reading about her transition from successful single professional to what-am-I-supposed-to-do-with-this-oven made me feel so validated in my total lack of kitchen know-how. In this first half of our interview, Jamie opens up about her own newlywed transition, foods her audience loves the most, and how to make the never-ending chore of cooking something you can actually enjoy (actually, I was really surprised by her answer!). Whether you keep kosher or not, Jamie is such an inspiration and I know you're going to gain a lot from this interview. Enjoy! Sources from this episode: JamieGeller.com Jewlish on Instagram Jewlish on Facebook Make sure you've subscribed to hear part 2 of the episode, plus more amazing guests in our summer #whosyourguru podcast series!
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Ep. 81 - Cooking Guru - Jamie Geller Part 2
Ep. 81 - Cooking Guru - Jamie Geller Part 2
Jul 12, 2020
22:03
In the second half of my interview with Jamie Geller, we moved beyond cooking to some other major areas where she's been an inspiration to those around her. As the head of the largest kosher food network, Jamie Geller has a lot to teach us about entrepreneurship. In this episode, she shares a bit about her background as a successful producer at HBO and the transition to building her own business. She also gives some really practical advice for those of us who are launching our own businesses. I also asked Jamie to talk about her family's decision to make aliyah. What was the inspiration? what were the challenges? Jamie was extremely candid about her inspiration but also her resistance to the move, and what it's really like to pick up your whole family and move across the world. Finally, we chatted about our great big cooking failures as newlyweds (and how our husbands helped us repackage the remains!). Enjoy! --------------- Sources from this episode: JamieGeller.com Jewlish on Instagram Jewlish on Facebook
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Ep. 82 - Torah & Marriage Guru - Shevi Samet
Ep. 82 - Torah & Marriage Guru - Shevi Samet
Jul 20, 2020
49:58
Today I'm excited to bring you a conversation with Shevi Samet, a Jewish educator who, among other things specializes in working with women before and after marriage. We're going super meta here today, talking about true meaning of marriage (we discuss this from the perspective of Torah concepts but feel free to use this as a springboard for your own belief work). We also dove into why we get married, the social and individual concepts that drive us that we sometimes aren’t even aware of, the difference between love and commitment, and some bizarre and yet very helpful metaphors about parenting and marriage. Most importantly, make sure you listen to the end when Shevi explains where love and giving fit into a marriage and how neither have anything to do with selflessness. You can find Shevi at @itsalearninglife on Instagram or by email at sametshevi at gmail.com
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Ep. 83 - Home Organization Guru - Shira Gill
Ep. 83 - Home Organization Guru - Shira Gill
Jul 26, 2020
49:08
Professional organizer/stylist Shira Gill talks about how to hack the thinking of a tidy person, what simple system she uses with all her clients to go from overwhelming mess to styled space, and how she and her husband communicate about their different tidiness-styles. This episode is PACKED with tips and amazing ideas. Enjoy! Follow Shira: www.ShiraGill.com instagram.com/shiragill
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Ep. 84 - Self Care Guru Krystal Conner
Ep. 84 - Self Care Guru Krystal Conner
Aug 4, 2020
46:32
This week I have Krystal Conner on to talk to us about self care. Krystal takes what can sometimes seem like an undefined, unattainable idea and makes it super clear and actionable. I loved this conversation and I know you will, too! Website: https://www.krystalconner.com/ Instagram: @drkrystalconner
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Ep. 85 - Do-Over Guru Bari Mitzmann
Ep. 85 - Do-Over Guru Bari Mitzmann
Aug 11, 2020
46:15
We talk a lot about the challenges that can come up with connecting to your spouse, especially as a newlywed. However, for some of us, the initial stressors of married life come from external factors. Bari Mitzmann came on this week to share her story about her first year of marriage and the health struggles she dealt with right as they were getting married. Bari is a great example of someone who embraces the “do-over.” Bio: Bari Mitzmann is a wife, mother and content creator living in Nevada. Her content on her Instagram @barianna and the Woman of Valor Podcast is geared toward finding meaning and inspiration in every day as well as breaking stigmas tied toward mental and chronic illness. Sources: Instagram: @barianna Website: https://barianna.com Podcast: Woman of Valor
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Ep. 86 - Pre & Post Pregnancy Guru - Lauren Ohayon
Ep. 86 - Pre & Post Pregnancy Guru - Lauren Ohayon
Aug 17, 2020
43:58
This week I'm so excited to bring you Lauren Ohayon of the popular Restore Your Core and One Strong Mama programs. Lauren is a body expert who guides her clients to prepare for healthy births and recovery. I asked Lauren to come on and share with us, since I've had so many questions about preparing for and recovering from a first pregnancy. Whatever type of birth you are aiming for, I just love how Lauren describes how the body works and functions in a way that is totally understandable and holistic. We morphed from interview to conversation, but I think you'll really enjoy eavesdropping on that so I included our conversation on our brain's power over our bodies (so if pregnancy isn't on your radar you may want to skip ahead to about 2/3 through the episode to hear this). Sources from this episode: Restore Your Core One Strong Mama @thelaurenohayon on Instagram
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Ep. 87 - Pre & Post Pregnancy Guru - Lauren Ohayon Part 2
Ep. 87 - Pre & Post Pregnancy Guru - Lauren Ohayon Part 2
Aug 24, 2020
30:06
Last week we covered everything pre-and-during pregnancy. On this week's episode, Lauren Ohayon is answering questions about post-partum recovery and what myths we need to break about our bodies and what fitness is all about to take the best care of our bodies and ourselves. Sources from this episode: Restore Your Core One Strong Mama @thelaurenohayon on Instagram
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Ep. 88 - Self-Regulation Guru - Chava Neiditch
Ep. 88 - Self-Regulation Guru - Chava Neiditch
Aug 30, 2020
1:01:03
LADIES I have such a treat for you this week! This conversation is such a total shift from what we normally talk about and SO IMPORTANT! I often get questions from women about how being tired/pregnant/sick/hormonal fits into thought work. This conversation, with occupational therapist/homeschooling supermom Chava Neiditch goes deep into our own individual profiles of what we need to stay regulated, balanced, and centered and how we all vary so much from one another. This is a fabulous episode if you're a parent but a must listen if you're a human being. Enjoy!
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Ep. 89 - Your Relationship With Yourself
Ep. 89 - Your Relationship With Yourself
Sep 7, 2020
24:08
Your relationship with yourself is nothing more than the sum total of your thoughts about yourself. It’s not more profound. It’s not more literal. And, despite popular belief, finding out WHY you have negative opinions of yourself is not always necessary. In fact, it can be counterproductive when this “research” into our thinking inadvertently reinforces the opinion. Wanna know the good news? If it's all about your thoughts, you can change them. Listen this week to find out how. Other episodes on this topic: First Year Married: Shame Won't Make You a Better Wife The Life Coach School Podcast