Last week we talked about finding your inner guru, the voice of calm that you can call upon when your brain feels like it’s spinning out of control. This week I want to introduce you to the idea of finding an external guru. The concept is simple. Find an area where you struggle, whether practically or emotionally. And instead of troubleshooting, look for the person for whom this is natural, satisfying, even... dare I say it... fun? Actually, you don't need to go looking, because this summer I will be interviewing one powerful woman each week to be our guru in all the areas I hear most from you that you are struggling with. Whaaat!!! This is going to be so. much. fun. Make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a single episode! We have some AMAZING interviews lined up! https://firstyearmarried.com/ep-79-find-a-guru-and-summer-series-announcement/

In this week’s episode, I’m going to teach you a fun, easy tool that you can use to access the “wise” part of your brain when your thoughts feel out of control. When we get caught up in anxiety, insecurity, resentment, or other strong emotions, especially if we are also newly-married and those emotions can be super intense, it can feel like our thoughts are spinning out of control. We get caught up in playing out every scenario, every conversation, every imaginary argument, and it feels productive but the truth is it gets us nowhere. To recenter ourselves, to get back to a place where our thoughts can serve us and help us to get to a more balanced place, we need another “voice” that is distinct from the one spinning out of control. So on this episode, I’ll teach you how to access your inner guru and play out some fun scenarios of what that could look like. Want to take this work further and join a community of women committed to enjoying the newlywed season and growing as they do it? Check us out at www.firstyearmarried.com/course See more episodes at www.firstyearmarried.com/podcast

The best thing about working on your marriage is that you get exposed to patterns of thinking that have existed for years--maybe even your entire life--and never really surfaced until it affects you in this relationship.  What looks like a big problem is actually an amazing opportunity to improve your own self-mastery in a way you never could before. Anxiety and resentment both come from an essential judgement, either of ourselves or of another person. With many newlyweds, these emotions seem negative and sometimes even scary--because we make it mean that we can’t have a good marriage if we’re feeling bad emotions.  I often find that identifying the emotion of resentment can be tricky when we’ve spent our lives believing that there are “resentful people” and the rest of us. But gaining awareness is the critical first step towards gaining traction. These emotions aren’t dangerous and you’re for sure not alone. Check out the episode to get some tips on dealing with these feelings in your marriage. What You’ll Learn In This Episode: What drives anxiety and resentment Why we often mislabel them How to identify them more accurately, and why that’s important Why neither of these are a problem for your marriage What to be wary about when learning from a marriage educator or coach When you’re ready to take this work deeper, join us in the First Year Married Online community.

This isn't the podcast I wanted to record this week.⁠ I wanted to record a podcast to help you feel safe and connected even when you disagree with your husband.⁠ Even when you disagree about the big stuff.⁠ But right now the big stuff has me off-balance. So I'm taking some time to re-center myself.⁠ Remind myself of what I know to be true.⁠ This is the only way for me to be the best wife, mother, coach, and rabble-rouser that I can be.⁠ What do you know to be true, my friends?⁠ Stay centered.⁠ Ibram X. Kendi on Unlocking Us with Brene Brown: https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-ibram-x-kendi-on-how-to-be-an-antiracist/

What do you get when you put two marriage coaches on a Zoom call? A fun, loving deep dive into the world of making marriages better.  Maggie Reyes recently came out with a (now best-selling) book, Questions for Couples Journal and I thought this was the perfect chance to invite Maggie on to share with the FYM audience! I get so many questions about how to make date nights more meaningful and what books I recommend. I also love this book as an idea for couples who aren't going out on traditional dates--whether due to COVID or newlywed finances. We covered a lot of ground in this episode--well beyond just the book--and I know you'll get a lot out of it. Find out more about Maggie Reyes at MaggieReyes.com Follow First Year Married on Instagram @firstyearmarried Sign up for the First Year Married online course at FirstYearMarried.com/Course

It amazes me how much more comfortable we are talking about working on our parenting, but nobody wants to mention that they're working on their marriage. Somehow, we can grow in parenting and it's noble, but if we need to grow in our marriage, it speaks of some deep failure in us. But let's take a step back and consider... What is actually going to make the biggest impact on your child's life? Another class, or a healthy and happy home? In addition--not that we need anything beyond that--the meta-skills you learn in your marriage all translate to your parenting. Self-awareness. Self-control. Self-compassion. Realizing that no, your child is NOT actually the problem and yes, you CAN experience this differently. And knowing how to do that. Understanding how to step out of our experience and biases and see from another's perspective. Modeling that negative emotions are not dangerous and we can handle some discomfort. Count me in on that parenting class. It starts with your marriage. Join us at firstyearmarried.com/course

Whether it's you or your husband, because of COVID-19 or you simply haven't landed the right job yet, unemployment can cause huge stress--particularly for newlyweds.  In this episode, I'm diving into some of the neuroscience that explains why our reaction might be more intense than logic dictates, what to do about it, and how to use this (or any) challenge as a way of building and supporting your new marriage. I'm also sharing our personal journey as unemployed newlyweds, and why I wouldn't take that experience back for the world. Learn more: www.firstyearmarried.com/course Source: The Female Brain by Dr. Louann Brizendine

Are there some things you just shouldn't think in a marriage? What does it mean if I'm annoyed by my husband? Do happy couples ever think like this? This week we're going to dive into something that's been coming up a lot in my coaching-- worry and panic and fear about certain thoughts. Put another way, your thoughts ABOUT your thoughts are causing more trouble than the thoughts themselves! How do we address this? Can Kayla manage to describe this without a visual aid? You'll have to listen to find out ;)  New here?  Check out the free video at FirstYearMarried.com to get the full foundation for everything I talk about on this podcast.

It's been a crazy few weeks for us all! I'm sorry I haven't been here in a little bit but I needed to step back for a few weeks. Hopefully you had a chance to catch up on some older episodes during the break. ;)  There's no possible way for a podcast episode to address the range of experiences and emotions that COVID-19 is bringing up for us. For some, it's the frustration of being stuck inside, needing our normal outlets, missing our friends and support systems. For others, it's the devastation of losing loved ones or anxiety about high-risk friends and family (or ourselves). So instead of addressing this whole gamut of experiences, I wanted to give you one clear tool you can focus on. I find this personally to be very grounding when life feels out of control so I hope it will be valuable to you, as well. This episode is about my love of using lists, and how lists pick up where scheduling can leave off. Much of what I learned about lists and routines I learned as a newlywed from Marla Cilley, the Flylady. Enjoy!

In this week’s podcast, I’m answering questions that have come in about being irritated with a husband who is wasting his time during lockdown. This is a pretty common challenge (a LOT of you commented on this one!) so know you’re not alone--but I wanted to share a few ideas to help you understand this differently and hopefully experience less frustration. He seems like an extension of us when we want to get things done. Now I have four hands! But… he’s not. He does actually get to decide how to spend his time. I find the easiest approach here is to catch yourself and laugh at it. Just because you’re going through the same experience doesn’t mean you’re experiencing it the same. This whole coronavirus experience, even though for many of us it doesn’t require a lot of physical energy, it can be very draining. So he may be vegging out. And the truth is… maybe it ISN’T the most helpful way for him to process his stress or anxiety, but... you get that, right? Sometimes we reach for chocolate when we probably should go for a run. It seems to me that on a meta level, we are being forced into appreciating the feminine. Male brains, due to testosterone, are wired for accomplishment and scoring points. Women’s brains are wired for emotions and communication. And we both have both, but right now practically ALL we have is the relationships and communication. Most of our externals are the same. And what most of us raised in the West have gotten is that our value comes from how much we accomplish, but that’s an inherently masculine approach. What if we’re wrong about that? Or what if it’s not right or wrong and this is an opportunity to see that value for what it is--an arbitrary value? What does it mean just to be?

* Coronavirus Update: After hearing from several of you, Noah and I talked extensively about how to best support you all during this situation. We've decided to make a temporary pay-what-you-can pricing on the First Year Married online course. Please share with your friends and let's support each other as much as we can. This doesn't have to be hard on your marriage--it could actually be amazing. www.FirstYearMarried.com/course gets you to the signup page. Let's talk about surviving this whole COVID-19 situation as a newlywed. Schedules are out the window, your normal bucket-fillers like social time or work or the gym are non-options, and the stress may be running very high. So we're going to talk about what we can do to make the most of this situation. First, of course, we gotta look at thoughts. How do we manage our minds so we don’t go insane or start to hate our husbands? Second, (you won't be so surprised) we'll talk about hacks. Science and psychology based hacks are easy ways to improve your quality of life with a minimum of effort. I'm also going to be talking a bit about getting ready for Pesach/Passover at the end, for those of you who celebrate. So let's start by taking a look inside your head. How are you thinking about this whole thing? Coronavirus, being home probably, still newly married... For a lot of you I'm talking to, the thought sounds something like this: “this is all very bad.” It's a pretty vague and generic thought, actually, but it's plenty strong enough to stir up some anxiety, overwhelm... What if you were wrong about that? What if this whole Coronavirus situation could actually be really good for you? For your new marriage? Actually, this could be a fantastic opportunity for growth for you. You are in the major leagues now. You've been listening to this podcast, reading books, working on your relationship... now's the time to put all that to work. Now's the time for some major self-awareness, some fantastic growth potential. What are you feeling and where is it coming from? And how are you a little wrong? How is the opposite also true? Take some time to get some awareness. If you're feeling off-kilter or overwhelmed or stressed, or you just got to the bottom of the container of Oreos and nobody helped you... Great time to take a look inside your brain. Ok so now for some hacks: 1. News restriction. When do you want to check? Take a day on. Take a day off. You could even ask your husband to keep you updated and just turn it all off. How many different places are you getting your news from? Twitter and WhatsApp and TV? Pick one. Narrow it down. The news is designed to suck you in. Put up some guardrails so you can maintain some mental space for yourself. Technology/social media restriction. ebook or book? Go for the physical book if you can. We are much more on our screens than usual. What can you do that’s tech-free, even if for only a few minutes a day? If you can still go for a walk, can you leave your phone at home? Or just make some boundaries--leave the phone out of the bedroom and dining area, for instance. More phone calls. There’s a hierarchy of meaningful communication, according to humanetech.com. Actual live phone/video calls are best, so try to make at least one a day. After that, voice messages are better than text, and using emojis actually improves the connection quotient of a text message. Group messaging, which isn’t really personal, gives the feeling of socializing but doesn’t pack the same punch. So call your bestie. Read the full episode notes on the podcast page at www.FirstYearMarried.com

Many of you have listened to and adopted Zero Based Scheduling (from Episode 2: Why You Don't Have Enough Time and Episode 6: Zero Based Scheduling Update). But now, thanks to work-from-homes, school closures and, for some of you, kids at home (gasp!) that beautiful zero-based schedule has gone right out the window. Never fear! Zero-Based scheduling can be done on the fly. And it's still awesome. Planning out your day the night before (and I give you the main tips on how to do this successfully) will transform the following day. PS If you and hubs are about ready to kill each other in lockdown, go NOW and check out the free video at firstyearmarried.com and give yourself a mental breather! 

We are celebrating a holiday in the Jewish world... one that isn't quite as famous as Yom Kippur or Passover... today is Purim! What happens on Purim? Among many other things, like donating money to charity, hearing the story of Purim read in synagogue, dressing up and bringing gifts to friends… men drink. Sometimes women drink, too, but generally it’s the men. And with that often comes behaviors that make us uncomfortable, nervous, critical... And this can make some women really uncomfortable. But guess what, it’s not Purim’s fault, because we have similar situations coming in from non Jewish listeners, too! "He doesn’t know how to be around my family." "He blew it at work." "He’s so embarrassing when he fights with my friends." There are two pieces to this that we have to get clear on.  1. Identification -- we have  a primal instinct to want to be accepted into the team or the tribe. Once you know that, you can start to settle that very anxious part of your brain that thinks this is all going to kill you. 2. Judgement -- wait, me? No way! Yep, call it like it is, my friend. Start to notice when you're in judgement. Be honest with yourself, so that you can start to learn when and how to move out of judgement. Check out the podcast for the how-to on working through these two issues. Happy Purim for those celebrating!

This week I’m answering a listener question and I think it’s a topic that will be so fun to dive into. Let me start by reading what she wrote: Could you discuss “the importance of self-esteem: how both poor and healthy self-esteem can influence our relationships, and how to strengthen it. I realise that this is absolutely a backbone of all your material, but maybe it's worth revisiting a basic.” Self-esteem is definitely a hot topic, and it’s one of those things that we talk about so much that we actually can lose touch with SPECIFICALLY what it means. So let’s start by defining our terms. Miriam-Webster defines self-esteem as: “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself : SELF-RESPECT” So essentially, self-esteem is nothing but the thoughts we have about ourselves. But that’s not how we talk about self-esteem. The way we talk about self-esteem, if someone didn’t have a clue what it was, it sounds more like a physical condition you have or don’t have. She doesn’t have self-esteem. That will hurt her self-esteem. And since we discuss self-esteem in this way so consistently, we start to act like it’s a physical thing we can control and grow and hurt and effect. Not a series of thoughts. We all have the thoughts we go back to the most. The way our brain is wired, the more we think a thought the easier and more automatic it becomes to think it --or sometimes a specific major event will just give us one really deeply embedded thought right away. And the reason I want to break it down for you is this: If I think I need to work on my self-esteem, or I think I don’t have good self-esteem, those are also thoughts. And neither one is terribly empowering. So I want to offer to you that self-esteem isn’t really a thing. It’s not. You can’t touch it or measure it. No two people will exactly agree on it. It’s totally subjective. Can you see that? And when you don’t have a thing called “self-esteem” that is causing you to act a certain way or that you need to work on or that he has a problem with (I’ve coached on all of those, multiple times), what are you left with? What you’re left with is a question: why did I act that way? And it always comes back to a thought. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to be married. I’m no good at this. I can’t learn. The commuter train you always took before you hop on without even noticing. The train that goes downtown to the dangerous neighborhood you let fly by. And you can just sit in the station and watch them all go by. I’m more interested in the person you can be than how accurately you’ve described all your shortcomings. I still have negative thoughts about myself. But I just don’t spend so much time there unless I feel I need to do some major soul searching. Which sometimes I do. And I make changes. So the most motivating thing, I think, is to remember: how do I want to show up? How do you want to show up in your marriage? Are you willing to skip some of your comfortable, recognizable trains to get there? Are you able to focus on HIM and what you’re BUILDING and not on you? Stop riding those trains. Let them get old and rusty. Get clear on where you want to go. Then you’ll have a better idea of how to get there. To take this work deeper and learn the critical research that will help you understand and support your husband and your marriage better, check out the First Year Married course at www.firstyearmarried.com. Join in March and be part of our March challenge!

In this week's episode, inspired by my husband's recent business trip, I lead you through an exercise to re-evaluate your self-care. Many women drop their self-care (especially the most basic things, like sleeping and eating) when we get married or get into a long-term relationship. These are all areas that we generally took responsibility for (even if we were lagging, we certainly weren't blaming our roommates or siblings because we didn't remember to eat breakfast!). And it's more than physical self care, too; it's also about the variety of relationships we fostered and needed. We need someone for advice but we don't expect that person to also give us a laugh or an exciting time out and also to provide our romantic needs and be a listening, supportive ear at the end of the day... etc., etc.,  And yet when we get married, we often expect our marriage relationship to provide what ALL those individual relationships provided. Which is an unhealthy and unfair expectation. I thought I'd mastered this, but then when my husband told me he was going to be going on a business trip, I immediately realized there were a few things I needed to do if I wasn't going to have him to fall back on. Wait a second--why am I PLANNING to fall back on him in the first place? Why not taking care of myself in the first place?? So here are three ways to reevaluate your self-care regimen. 1. Imagine your husband is going to be going away for a week. What are the three things you'd for sure need to do to make sure your physical needs are taken care of? (Even if you usually do these things but they are now moving up to "nonnegotiable"--listen to the episode for my example about showers.) 2. What things would you "get" to do with some time and energy freed up that you may be holding in reserve for your husband? Did you imagine a coffee date with a friend or a paint night? How can you schedule that in now? 3. Imagine your husband is away -- what would you miss? What would be sad about that? And then you can take those things and celebrate all these wonderful elements he provides for your marriage! We always need to encourage our minds to be more positive and notice the positive, because they aren't naturally inclined to do so. What are three little things you'd be sad about if he was away? Interested in learning more? The first lesson in the First Year Married Online Course is available for free at www.firstyearmarried.com Enjoy!

My business coach Stacey Boehman was giving this analogy about entrepreneurs and their new businesses and even though I’ve heard her say it before suddenly it totally clicked that this is such a fantastic perspective shift for newlyweds as well! Ok so here’s the analogy: Your business is a baby. Your marriage isn’t here to make you happy. (Sorry!) Just like if you had a brand new baby or a brand new business, you wouldn’t expect it to perform for you. Your marriage just happened! There’s nothing there yet. John Gottman, who is a leading marriage researcher, describes the idea as an emotional bank account. 5 to 1 positive to negative--that's the ratio we need to maintain, according to his research, for a healthy relationship. But the other part of the emotional bank account is that it takes time to build up a balance. I remember getting my first ATM card. And who knows what I put on it, maybe $40? At that point, getting something for $20 would be a huge deal. That’s half my account!  Also, maybe I didn’t know how much and how often I’d be making money, so that’s also a concern. How am I supposed to take money out of an account if I have no idea when more is coming? It's exactly like this for a newlywed. So this week I want you to remember this--it’s ok if you aren’t getting the dividends on your marriage yet. That comes later. And it really does, I’m telling you at 10 years married I’m literally happier every passing year. But that comes with this attitude of investment. And the great news is it doesn’t have to be major dramatic romantic actions! In fact, John Gottman specifically says so in his research -- it’s better to have lots of small “turning toward” actions than a few large romantic gestures. Also, I think it’s really critical whenever I give you concepts like this, or you learn them elsewhere, that you be onto yourself. You’re going to want to relate it to HIM. Is he making romantic gestures? Is he turning towards? Back in your lane, sweetheart. (That's how I say it to myself.) You can only change yourself, but you are fifty percent of this relationship. Do you think you can improve who you are and not improve your marriage? I don’t think it’s possible. Go take care of your baby :)  Sources and links mentioned in this episode: Brooke Castillo’s The Life Coach School Stacey Boehman - Business Mindset  John Gottman: The Emotional Bank Account The First Year Married Elite Coaching Program The First Year Married Online Self-Study The First Year Married FREE Class

For many newlyweds, they are feeling a lot of shame about negative emotions about their marriage. It's important to know that there is a known physiological high that comes at the beginning of a relationship. For many women, there is also the wedding high. And just like ANYTHING new you begin, there’s a back-to-reality moment. I want you to know that that’s totally fine. Being a newlywed is, on an emotional level, like slow cooker vs instapot…… all the emotions are intensified. Here are some emotions I think you can totally feel sometimes in a perfectly healthy marriage: Annoyed. Enchanted. Frustrated. Resentful. Curious. Insecure -- in him and in you. It’s all fine. It’s all invited here. Where you want to be careful is getting too attached to your story that’s creating the thought. You can feel all the feels. But you also don’t have to get attached to the story that led to them. Was he maybe the wrong guy? Is he inconsiderate? Is he not driven enough? Does he not care enough about your religious values? Notice those thoughts and know that they’re okay, too. The amazing thing that happens is that when we’re scared to think these thoughts, is that we fixate on them. They terrify us.  I recently got coached on this. One of my kids did something very dangerous and I was reeling for a month afterwards. I kept having this thought, I can’t keep them safe. But I didn’t want to think that thought, it made me feel sick it was so scary, so I tried to push it away. Guess what happened? I had that thought approximately twenty billion times a day. All my mental energy was in this back and forth energy of thinking/pushing away/coming back… it was exhausting, and I was just getting more and more anxious. It wasn’t until my coach had me get really curious about that thought, to notice it and accept it and even see where it’s true and where it’s not as true and notice what the thought was creating that I was able to move on from the anxiety. You can feel all the feels, without constantly regenerating them by fixating on the thoughts. You can be cranky sometimes. If you want more support to take this further, I just opened a few more spots for one on one coaching. I take you through the full FYM process with private, one on one coaching, you get lifetime access to the full online course, you learn all the material AND how to apply it in your unique situation. To apply, go to firstyearmarried.com and click “personal coaching” up top. Have an amazing week.

We're talking this week about the three main parts of staying in our lane: Emotionally, Physically, and in How You Show Up. Instead of feeling good because of what he’s been doing or not doing and what you made that mean, let’s feel good because you are taking care of your own emotional wellbeing. For some of you, especially if you’re new (and there are so many new people so welcome!!) I know that it sounds like a cop out. Like I’m letting him off the hook. But here’s the crazy truth. He doesn’t have the ability to make you happy anyway. Only you can do that. So the best place to start is that whenever we notice our mind wandering, or our feelings reacting, to the way he’s acting or who he seems to be, to gently remind ourselves to get back into our own lanes. He missed date night, because he stayed late at work. Your automatic thought is LIKELY to be, “if he really cared, he wouldn’t miss date night.” Guess how many women out there would be thrilled for their husband to want to work that hard? I’ve got one group telling me they can’t be happy because their husband doesn’t work hard, and the other half telling me they can’t be happy because their husband works too hard. Like I said, he can’t make you happy. There isn’t a happy medium. There’s only what you make it mean. What is too much work, anyway? Is there an amount of hours somewhere that we all mutually agreed upon? Where did you come up with the idea of what’s too much, what’s not enough? That’s the kind of work we want to do, questioning our thoughts, figuring out where they came from and where they are leading us. How do I take care of ME in this marriage? We need a whole episode on this phenomenon I’m seeing where women lose the self-preservation gene the moment they tie the knot. Suddenly he’s responsible for your water intake and whether you’re overworked. For sure, even more so once you’ve had kids! But is that how you would have acted if you were single? Waited around for some guy to bring you a water bottle and remind you to hydrate? No of course not! We want to feel like a good wife. We have to dig a little deeper to know what that means. What did you decide is a good wife? What things are just sticking with you and giving you guilt or shame, but you don’t even believe them? Who are you measuring yourself against? Then get crystal clear on what ideas are rattling around in our heads and THEN you can do the work of clarifying what values you truly believe. Bring those values, bring that woman into the marriage, and just see what that creates. It’s going to be an amazing month If you want to join us to take this work further, this is our entire focus in the month of January, in our Focus video and workbook and live group coaching calls. Group coaching is only available to grads of first year married online, to allow us all to take this work much deeper. Join us by signing up for First Year Married Online -- the foundational course  that ALL newlyweds (and I’m talking easily through 5years married but we’ve had women married MUCH longer) should absolutely be taking -- and you get your first three months of group coaching totally free! www.firstyearmarried.com I can’t wait to see you inside. Have a great week! Buh bye!

This week I'm taking your questions about sharing your FEELINGS with your husband! Question #1: HOW do I share my feelings with my husband, and how do I create a relationship where we can do that? Answer: First of all, STOP and be absolutely sure that you aren't sharing your feelings in an effort to change him! We always want to be responsible for our OWN feelings, so you must stop and do some thought work and figure this out. Sharing your feelings so that he'll change is, essentially, manipulation, which of course none of us want to do. (If you need support on the thought work piece, go to www.firstyearmarried.com and watch video #1 of my course!) Question #2: How do you separate frustrations in a conversation and say it in a way that your spouse can understand the REASONS for your frustration? Answer: If your frustration is with him, you want to start by taking care of your own emotional well-being (see above).  "As long as he's responsible for how you're feeling, you're really limited." Beyond that, sometimes we need to actually plan out a conversation with our husband. Let's say your life is set up in a way that you're not getting enough sleep. First, work on the resentment piece. Then you can come to the conversation with openness and belief that the two of you can find a solution. To hear my interviews with Alison Armstrong where we talked about our husbands' problem-solving abilities, go here. Question #3: What do I do about a husband who can't access his own feelings and frustration? Answer: Focus on your lane. His feelings and thoughts are HIS lane, not yours. So question how YOU want to show up in this situation. What's your story about how he's acting? Why is it a problem? Actually get this down on paper. Question #4: If something bothers you about how your spouse deals with disciplining the kids, how do you communicate that? Answer: Women often have more experience with kids coming into a marriage, so we often see ourselves as the authority. So first of all, go back to the business partner model. Is it possible this highly respected partner might have another good idea? Possibly even a better idea? Could I maybe be wrong about this? He's different from you by design. Question #5: I always hear about your feelings are not your thoughts and the other way around, but how do we work on internalizing this? Answer: There's a difference between processing a feeling and just thinking a thought over and over. This is described clearly in Episode 58, "When You Can't Get Over It." Question #6: I'd love to get help with first identifying the feelings--like, what am I even feeling right now? Answer: It's just a vocabulary problem. You can literally Google "list of feelings" or "synonyms for sad." It is helpful, but don't worry about not being there yet.

I was working with a client and she was stuck on the idea of being authentic with our feelings while at the same time taking responsibility for them and choosing what I call “helpful thoughts.” So this week we're going to talk about the difference between processing our feelings and holding onto our feelings. The easiest way is to think of it as sensations vs words. Thoughts are words (sentences, usually), and feelings are physical sensations. We read the tight shoulders and clenched stomach as anxiety or anger. Focus on what the body is experiencing. We’re told to process our emotions, not to ignore how we feel, to honor our feelings, but we need to get really clear on what that means. Going in thought circles... ruminating on that one horrible thing or that offensive thing she/he said... that's not feeling your feelings. That's just having a thought and getting really attached to it being true and having that thought over and over until you can't see your way out of it. This week I'm teaching you how to process a feeling. The deeper question I think is really, when is it a feeling and when is it intuition? If I know that I’m responsible for my feelings, does that mean I can’t ever use them to help guide me? How do I know the difference? Your intuitive sense is not urgent. It is calm and clear. It doesn’t speak to you in rules like “he shouldn’t” or accusations like, “how dare he” or desperate questions like “how can I possibly not be hurt or be happy like this?” Trust that when you quiet the screaming, loud, urgent emotions, that inner voice will certainly come up for you.

Welcome to the episode where I bonk you on the head my friends! So many of you are rocking the intellectual game with this thought work.  You see it in your friends and family. You know your recurring thoughts. You are even seeing some changes in how you show up. But you have NOT taken out a pen and paper and actually done the heavy lifting! I get it... until you've done it, it doesn't seem that important.  Trust me on this one. So this week I'm going to walk you through what exactly you can do to take this work deeper. What exactly to do with said pen and paper. Can't wait to see what comes next for you. For more help with this, watch the free class at www.firstyearmarried.com

2019 was the year of the podcast at First Year Married (we passed 40k!!!). I’ve been honored to meet you, to have your sisters and friends get hooked, to introduce this work I’m so passionate about. Thank you everyone!!  2020 is going to be the year of group coaching. It’s time to take this work and really dive deep and apply it. Improving our marriages improves every area of our life, and it’s the best place to work on this thought work, which is then a piece of cake to apply elsewhere in our lives.  Group Coaching Details: NOT just for newlyweds (and therefore I need name ideas) Monthly focus video Worksheets and journal pages Twice monthly calls Whatsapp group Sign up at FirstYearMarried.com/course -- all participants get 3 months of group coaching for free, then can continue on from there! The Marriage You Want. Here's what I hear... My husband is great but still want a divorce I don't want a divorce, but he drives me crazy I'm not showing up how I want, I get in a funk or I'm mean I'm not measuring up to the wife I have in mind, the one who always has a clean house, makes delicious meals, never gets angry, always feels loving -- even if intellectually I know that’s all ridiculous Here’s the thing. If you are unhappy in your marriage it's ALWAYS because of your THOUGHTS. Example: husband not helping "If he’d only be more involved... if he’d do what I needed... if he’d tell me to get to bed when I’m obviously falling apart..." So let’s say you cook a delicious dinner. You leave work even though you’d rather stay and finish a few things up, shlep to the store, get all the ingredients from this fancy Pinterest recipe you found, slave in the kitchen, you’re starving because now it’s already 8 PM and he’s come in three times to sniff around… and now he reaches into the cabinet and takes out a box of crackers and sits down on the couch to eat them. Now you’re fuming, you’re resentful, what’s happening here? You're cooking, and he's eating. That's it. This is all about awareness. It really does feel like he’s the problem, I know. And the obvious solution is -- at least in theory -- to switch him out for a newer model. But here’s the thing-- wherever you go, there you are. So even if you ultimately make a choice to end the marriage, even if I give you that, don’t do it because you haven’t taken responsibility for your own feelings. Don’t do it because your brain is running wild and you aren’t paying attention. Don't forget to sign up for the free course at FirstYearMarried.com/course or watch the free introductory video at FirstYearMarried.com

Get Yael's free Money Dates PDF at jewishlatinprincess.com/moneydate This week I had the pleasure of inviting Yael Trusch, host of Jewish Latin Princess who is sharing the amazing concept of Money Dates. Yael has a background in finance and is now an author and inspirational speaker, so she brings the vision from one world to the practical of the other! Money is one of the main sources of stress for couples, and often we struggle to have these conversations. While the impulse may be to avoid these conversations, Yael shows us how carving out the time actually helps make it easier to discuss money. And it's not just about counting dollars. Yael brings in values, vision, and dreams, and shows us how the way we spend our money can become a reflection of our deepest values. So what's a money date? A money date is specific time you carved out in the calendar to speak about your finances. Yael suggests discussing it on a global level first--what lessons did you learn from your family? How has your experience with money been so far?--and then gradually adding in budgeting, investing, and planning. Follow Yael at www.jewishlatinprincess.com and on Instagram @jewishlatinprincess Download the free PDF: www.jewishlatinprincess.com/moneydate

This week sharing one of my favorite Jewish ideas, which I was reminded of by a Tony Robbins quote. Who... last I checked... was most definitely not a rabbi 🤣⁠ The word for love in Hebrew is ahava. The root word of ahava is "hav" which means "give." This is here to remind us that the root of love is giving.⁠ What's the last project you truly invested in? ⁠ Didn't you love it?⁠ The more we work, the more we try, the more we love.⁠ And yet we somehow expect our marriages to do all the work for us. As if a marriage is a THING that can WORK. But somehow they should make us happy.... or they're broken.⁠ So this week we're turning it all on its head.⁠ Please join us 💜⁠

This week I have Simone Sobel, an Atlanta-based couples counselor and trauma therapist on, to discuss some important and common questions about couples therapy: When is it time to go see a couples therapist? What red flags do newlyweds need to know about that may indicate that their husband might have a personality disorder or they may be in an abusive relationship? How to find a good couples therapist? What to expect when you go to a couples therapist? Is it ever too late for couples therapy? How to know if couples therapy is working? How do you decide who to go to between a therapist, a coach, or a mentor or religious advisor? Simone says that marriage classes and coaching are a great foundation for any couple, teaching psycho-educational tools that are beneficial to everyone, even if they’ve been married a long time. When is it time to go see a couples therapist? There are lots of common reasons that couples come to couples therapy. Communication is very poor (ie, they can never get on the same page about a certain issue, or there is stonewalling, chronic defensiveness, hyper-criticism, etc.) Breach of trust in the marriage (ex, one partner spending a lot of money in secret or looking at pornography) Devestating or dificult life events (losing a job, health crisis, loss of a child or parent) Lifecycle change (retirement, new baby, empty nest, a major move) Negative cycles that aren’t going away and you need outside help. Fine tuning a good relationship (no, there don’t have to be major issues to go to a therapist!) Spiritual mentors can be very helpful for spiritual based issues, and often they give very good guidance and advice. If you find you are going again and again to your priest, rabbi, etc., and aren’t making progress, that would be a time to consider a therapist. What are some red flags that your husband may have a psychological or personality issue or disorder? If a woman feels consistantly criticized and put down in a way that makes him/her feel insecure, demaned, or shamed. Ongoing provocation, even with a calm or apologetic period between cycles, are considered a cycle of abuse. If your husband is trying to isolate you from your friends, this is a red flag. If your spouse can never take responsibility for an issue, this is also a red flag. Kayla’s note: friends are not the best place to “diagnose” your husband. A therapist will be able to distinguish between normal human misbehavior and serious dysfunction or abuse. Simone: Find one person to speak with, more of a mentor, who is supportive. A coach or therapist can be neutral and non-judgemental. Couples can get into negative cycles and say mean things to each other, but it’s not necessarily abusive. Read more on the First Year Married website.

This week I'm answering a much-asked question: how do I get my husband to help out REGULARLY, not just as "helping" me? We've discussed some of these concepts before, especially in Episode 30 - Just Ask! and Episode 30 - What It Means to Give, Interview With The Husband Part 2, but I've never taken the time to do a full, dedicated episode to this issue. And it really is an issue. The ideas of helping, housework, equally divided responsibility, are all loaded for many of us. And more than that, they strongly play into some of the main differences between men and women.  How is enthusiasm perceived by men vs. women? What motivates men to want to help? Why do we hate to ask for help? Why do we feel threatened if it's not clear that it's all FAIR? I'd love to hear your thoughts! Email me  at kayla (at) firstyearmarried.com or drop me a line on Instagram @firstyearmarried You can also access my FREE class in which I teach you all about how to use coaching tools to COACH YOURSELF on your marriage. Pretty cool, right? You can get that at www.firstyearmarried.com

Alison Armstrong is BACK for the second half of our interview together! Here are some highlights from this week's episode: "Honey we have an issue" --why these are dreaded words to a man "Women are very motivated by upset, they don't want to upset anybody. So we try to motivate men to change by telling hem how upset we are. And it doesn't work at all. And we don't notice it doesn't work at all."  - Alison Armstrong How to make the shift from complaining to getting help solving your problems. Breaking down "self care" into something actionable. Identifying your favorite feelings and becoming self-sufficient in providing them for yourself. For some of us... learning to be an adult while also being a newlywed. How men see beauty so differently than we do. Finally, a life lesson from her beloved late husband, Greg. Thank you, Alison, for taking the time to share your wisdom with us! For more from Alison Armstrong, you can find her at www.understandmen.com

This week's episode is truly special. When Noah and I sat down to discuss who would be our absolute dream podcast guests, Alison Armstrong topped the list. Her work has been transformative for hundreds of men and women, as she takes the most confusing and frustrating differences between us and makes them crystal clear with humor, compassion, and her characteristic charm. For this episode, I got on the call with the intention of bringing her work into the realm of the newly married... those couples who are just getting to know each other, maybe building families and careers while they're at it. Alison was so wonderfully generous with her knowledge. The episode is divided into two parts, for several reasons. Mainly, I wanted to give you all the best opportunity to digest and try some of these ideas. So if you aren't subscribed yet, make sure to do that right away and you'll get the second part next Sunday when it is released. Alison Armstrong is the co-founder of PAX programs, author of The Queen’s Code book, Understand Men Online Course, and many more programs and workshops. You can find out much more at Alison’s Website: www.understandmen.com and learn about her upcoming LIVE event called LUX here: https://www.understandmen.com/worldevent/lux/ This is what we discussed in this week’s episode: What exactly is Frog Farming? How we just need to get out of the way. What causes men to misbehave? What should we do if our husbands are working too much? The surprising statistic about men in the first year of fatherhood. Why our plans for others never work. How to survive our husband’s early career intensity. How playfulness and affection feed our relationships. How young mothers can incorporate self-care. Why we aren’t getting what we need, and what to do about it. Let me know what you took from this episode! I can’t wait to hear your wins and celebrate with you!

Announcement: Next week I will be having the amazing ALISON ARMSTRONG on the podcast!!! Make sure you are subscribed because it’s going to be split over two episodes and you are not going to want to miss this interview. I recorded an episode a while back called “Shame Won’t Make You a Better Wife.” Episode 8 You need to hear it again. Because I keep seeing you all using the idea of self-improvement as a way of attacking yourself and your self-worth. You are weaponizing self-control. Against yourself. How you know you’re doing it: You are more conscious of what you’re doing wrong than what you’re doing right. The Perfect Wife has shown up. Your emotional reactions seem to be worse than makes sense. You aren’t making progress. When we are so down on ourselves and then trying to show up as the perfect wife, it’s totally inauthentic. What to do about it. Name the shame.  Thank it for its contribution. Consider life without shame. (Sidenote: accidental spending and kids nutrition sabbatical) Consider that your actions may be coming from a place of fear or insecurity. Speak those out loud. See the reverse of them. Clarify your vision as you would if you were speaking to a beloved younger friend. Consider what you would need to believe, truly believe, to make a step towards that vision.

This week I’m sharing a hack that I learned while researching how to best care for myself as a type 1 diabetic. While it was intended to help with things like glucose control, I think this hack can help all of us on most long-term goals. Adam Brown, writer for diaTribe, writes in his book Bright Spots and Land Mines* about the benefits of setting specific, short-term goals to help us achieve our long term goals. Want better overall health? Think about how your mood will improve in the next few hours when you exercise. So here’s the hack du jour: ask yourself, what makes you feel better TODAY? -Exercise: long term “numbers” or how I feel? -Food: weight loss, or how I’ll be able to focus the rest of the day? -Laundry: is it about you and your abilities to be organized or can you just think about how nice it is to go to bed knowing it’s done? -Investing in your marriage (why don’t I talk about this more??): is it about working towards a long, happy marriage, or just the nice feeling of being an awesome wife? So here’s the strategy: Identify the long-term goal Identify the short-term gain Then… take a pic and tag me! @firstyearmarried or send to [email protected] Have an awesome week! *affiliate link 

ANNOUNCEMENT - this is the last week to sign up for the Kallah Cohort! You can do that here. Today it’s time to talk about letting go of your marriage. Not the one you’re in. I mean the one you thought you’d be in. You’ve been married a few months, maybe a year. The cracks are starting to show. This is NOT what you had in mind. This is not what your friends said it was like, or how it looks when you see other couples. This is not what you thought it would feel like. And when I encourage you to let go of all that, you think it’s sad. It’s devastating, really. But that’s not how I see it as your coach. In this week’s podcast, I’m going to tell you why you REALLY need to let go of your fantasy marriage.

This episode is inspired by a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert's amazing book, Big Magic. The book is about creativity, but of course we're going to be applying it to our marriages here. She says, “any motion whatsoever beats inertia, because inspiration will always be drawn to motion.” When I heard this quote about motion, a light went off. This is such a great illustration of the change that I've seen in my marriage and my clients' marriages. The motion. The momentum. Our relationships have momentum. This week I'm going to give you four strategies for keeping a healthy, forward momentum in your marriage and keep you out of gridlock.

I was looking through some of the requests that I’ve received for topics to cover and I wanted to address the one that would give us the biggest room for growth, the most potential. And so this question “how do I get out of victim mentality?” really stuck out to me. Because as long as we see ourselves as a victim, we are BY DEFINITION powerless. Before we go further: November 10 is the first call of our Kallah Cohort, a specific LIVE First Year Married course for women in the Orthodox Jewish community! The first class is free and no-obligation, but you need to sign up to get a spot! See you there! An important note about this whole episode: this material, like all of my material, does NOT apply to unhealthy or abusive relationships. We all have ups and downs--as individuals and in our marriages--but I encourage anyone who is unsure if their relationship is abusive or dysfunctional to seek out a qualified couples therapist. Here is one great resource. We all fall into victim mentality sometimes, whether it’s a story about our relationship or our abilities at work or with our physical health or self-discipline… Here are seven steps to help you leave victim mode behind. Identify the feeling.  Knowing the feeling, viscerally, will help you “red flag” it for the future. How does it feel in your body? What are your habitual thoughts? What’s the story? Anything with a story is optional. Beware of boundaries set to control. If you are frustrated that you set a boundary and it wasn’t followed, you didn’t set a boundary you just told someone what to do and they didn’t do it. Listen to learn how to set boundaries that don't leave you in victim-mode. Articulate the thought. You guys getting used to me saying this? You can’t question a thought until you articulate it. So what’s the story? “I’m not the happily-ever-after type.” So write it down. Look at it. Feel it. Be with it. Don’t be in such a rush to get rid of it. What we tend to do is we half-articulate it then we try to jump to another thought so fast because this one is so painful. Don’t be in a rush. It’s not urgent, it’s just feelings. Notice the results of your thought. Here’s where we want to focus on the present instead of, as is a natural tendency, to go past-focused. It’s interesting to question where your story came from. You for sure have reasons for why it’s true. But right now just look at WHAT THE THOUGHT IS DOING. How does it make you feel? What kinds of things are you capable of with this thought? What aren’t you? Live with your thought. Now that you’ve gone scientific and cerebral, gather some field research on how it’s playing out for you. Watch it in action. Write it down or send a voice memo to your podcast buddy if you have one (if not, time to get one!) Now you can start to jiggle it loose. How is the opposite true? How do you always get happily-ever-after? (Going into the holidays feeling so low from everything that happened with my health this year… then realized the opposite is equally true.) Advanced skill: Go all-out play and pick a new amazing thought! This ONLY works if you’ve really spent time in your current thought, with awareness and mindfulness! Thanks so much for the question and I look forward to seeing you back here next week! In the meantime, have you checked out my FREE class at FirstYearMarried.com? Well, here it is!

WOW. You all sent in some awesome tips for running the home! More than that, I love how you all came out to support and help one another! At the end of the day, we're all in this together if we want to be... and the FYM community keeps proving that you are women who look out for one another. I love it. First, an announcement: I will be hosting a special Kallah Cohort of First Year Married targeted specifically to women in the Orthodox Jewish community. Lots of details at the end of the episode! I broke down your tips into three main categories: Vision and Appreciation, Food and Groceries, and General Household Management and Time Management Tips. Have more tips to share? Please send them to @firstyearmarried on Instagram and I will share them over there! All the best, Kayla

This week we’re going to revisit a familiar topic and take the work further. What is happening when you are feeling hurt? Take the last time you were hurt (or disappointed, angry, frustrated…) with your husband and try to remember the specific details. Consider that the reason that you were upset was that he wasn’t doing what you wanted him to be doing. Try to identify what you DID want him to do. What was your plan or rule book for how he should behave? But here’s the model. You’re crying and he’s texting. If he loved me, he’d be hugging me and taking care of me. So you feel hurt, rejected, and maybe angry (much safer) Here’s the reality: Him texting when you are crying says nothing about his love for you. So why are you hurt? ONLY because of the thought you had about it. We’re going to figure out this week how to find an alternative, how to clarify our vision, and how to experience the relationship we want. Unconditional love is on YOU. Leave him out of it! You want a loving relationship? LOVE HIM. And not when he’s adorable and considerate. Love him when he’s a bear. Love him when he’s obnoxious. Here are some thoughts that have really helped me with this... --I love being in love --I love being surprised by him --He’s so different, so foreign to me, just when I think I know him he surprises me Get a buddy, share this episode, and help each other use this information. It can be hard to observe our own brains sometimes. To work with me on-on-one, you can email me at [email protected] or fill out the form at firstyearmarried.com and I’ll send you my booking calendar. For more ideas about the "rule book" (or the "manual") check out Brooke Castillo's podcast, The Life Coach School Podcast.

A listener asked me to discuss critical parents and what to do about them.  In this week’s podcast we discuss the difference between explicit criticism and subtly undermining your relationship. The key to dealing with criticism is to maintain responsibility over your emotional reaction. When we allow these criticisms to upset us, we have to realize that it’s because we became attached to what they said--that they might be right or that they “shouldn’t” have said it. The easiest way to deal with critical parents is to remember that they “get to” feel and say whatever they want, and you’re FINE. From that place, we can move forward to create healthy, effective boundaries that aren’t an attempt to change them or their behavior. Resources: Brook Castillo on Boundaries: https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/12/ Brook's Boundaries 2.0: https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/163/

One place I especially like to work on is charged relationships. Partly because this is an area where I have had my own work to do, so I know how important it is, but also because we really discover our own thought processes here and they are funny and surprising. Several of you wrote in asking me to discuss sibling relationships. When I put out a request for specific scenarios, they were almost all about sisters-in-law, so we'll focus on that but these tools really can be applied to any relationship. I have a question about my sister-in-law. I desperately want to become friends with her but every time we do something she is constantly on her phone or gossiping about people from her home town that I have no clue who they are. How can I become friends with someone who doesn’t take the time to talk? There are two parts of to any relationship: how they feel about you and how you feel about them.  Which is in your control? We will never know how someone feels about us, and even if we could know, we can’t control it. So I like to have a few thoughts that help me: I get to feel however I want about you. I am going to learn something very important from you.  I’m good.  How do I deal with a jealous sister in law who wants to make every moment about her? She wanted to know when I was pregnant, when I gave birth, and gender of baby (I’m assuming she means during the pregnancy) and got jealous of my relationship with my MIL. I don’t have involved parents. Let’s break down what’s happening and how we’re interpreting it. Because our interpretations drive our emotional reaction, so we have to have really high standards about what we’ll allow as “fact.” What happened: she asked if you were pregnant (or asked you to tell her when you were) Thought: She needs every moment to be about her. Feeling: Resentment, annoyance, disgust, sadness… whatever Action: Don’t tell her, maybe try to convey with your tone or body language that you’re offended Result: Less closeness, no pairing of you two, so it remains all about her--there isn’t a relationship instead.  What if you tried on other thoughts here? How would you feel and behave differently? Have some fun with it. I had my son 9 months ago and my SIL got married 6 weeks before us. Lots of tension. I had a great pregnancy and she is now pregnant and I am extremely happy for them. But at the same time I all of a sudden feel a shift in my MIL since hearing the news. I understand it is her daughter and she is pregnant with her second grandchild, but she is seemingly colder towards me… it may be my own insecurities but what if somehow it could be my SIL stirring it up? She is very insecure with my husband and MIL’s relationship. How do you want to show up in the relationship? Create a clear vision for yourself before any family interaction with your in-laws. It is very normal to feel uncomfortable with your in-law relationship. What if you allowed that? What if you didn't try to make it more comfortable, but just went to a place of observing yourself and your reactions and allowing yourself to be uncomfortable? Want to take this work further? Watch the free video at www.firstyearmarried.com to learn how to coach yourself.

This week we're talking about negative emotions in your marriage. It is so common for newlyweds to feel extremely vulnerable and surprised at the number of negative emotions they may be experiencing in their marriages. The trouble with anger, resentment, frustration, and any negative feeling isn't the feeling itself--its the way we react to it. In this episode, we review our understanding of how emotions work, how to have an authentic emotional life (and how it's not all about "feeling all the feels"), and how to allow negative emotions. Many times, we resist negative emotions either by pushing it away with distractions or by switching to a more comfortable emotion like anger or disappointment. I'll take you through this process and give you an exercise to apply this work to your own marriage. (The thought work here is based on the Self-Coaching Model by Brooke Castillo.)

Hey newlyweds, What do you do if your husband is spending more time on his phone than communicating with you? What will this mean when kids come along (if they haven't already) and how he's going to be able to connect to him? What if he's getting defensive when you ask him to put away his phone? How much are phones supposed to be used in a healthy marriage? This week we're talking all about the "other wife"--your husband's phone  This topic can make us crazy--I get it--but we're going to focus on a practical framework to work on this area in your home.  Because let's face it... you probably have a phone, too... Check out this week's episode for a four-step solution to unhealthy phone usage in your new marriage. Here are the steps for you to review when you come back to implement this material! Step 1. The Brain Dump (and analyze) Step 2. Your Vision Step 3. Self-Work Step 4. Pick Your Timeline.

What's the one thing you can do to transform the dynamic of your relationship? Start asking for what you want. Sound easy? It's not. For most of us, even identifying what we want is hard--it's not the things we're nagging him about, it's the deeper, more meaningful things that would truly light us up. It's the things we can't do on our own or get for ourselves--and it's so hard sometimes to admit that there's a limit to our independence. But when we lean into that vulnerability and offer him a real chance to win, the payoff in your relationship is unbelievable. By the way, this is an area I personally struggle with SO MUCH... so expect to hear more about it in the future!